“Crap,” said Ben, hanging his head.“I totally forgot about a condom.”Giving Ella an apologetic look, he added, “I got too caught up in the moment.I did not even think about it.I was just jumping in to wash up.But seeing you, I lost control.I am so sorry.”
Ella just looked at him, trying to process what he was saying.
When she did not respond, Ben said, “Ella, say something.”
Instead of answering him, Ella nose-dived into her own personal hell where all she could think about was they had sex without protection.The phrase“no protection” ricocheted through her mind.
No protection.
No protection.
No protection.
It was an ugly chant that she could not stop.Ben started rapid-firing questions at Ella about when her period was due and if this was a safe time.Ella just stared at him.She tried to remember when her last period was.Two weeks?Three?Maybe?Given that she had been as regular as a clock, she never worried much about it.It came when it came.When one is not having sex, being late is like a blessing.Now the thought of being even one day late, much less pregnant, made her stomach flip.She had to swallow hard to keep from throwing up a little bit in the back of her throat.Unable to think standing so close to Ben in the confined space of the shower and worried she might actually throw up if she did not get out immediately, Ella pulled back the shower curtain to get out.
Ben grabbed her arm to stop her.“Where are you going?”he demanded.“We need to talk about this.Is this something we need to be worried about?Just so you know, you are the only girl I have ever been with without a condom.”
Ben’s tone was serious, waiting for Ella to respond as water droplets rained down his face.
With tears filling her eyes, Ella held back from shouting the first thought that popped into her mind, which was, “Well, good.At least I don’t have to worry about getting an STD along with an unwanted pregnancy.”Instead, she quietly replied, “Honestly, I don’t know if this is something we need to worry about.How would I know?I have never been in this situation before.”
“You think I have?”shot back Ben.“Look, I did not mean that.I am just a little freaked out here.”
“I totally get it.I am not doing so great myself.”Hot water continued to pour down on Ella as she tried desperately to remain calm.All she wanted to do was throw on her clothes and get as far away from the shower and hotel room as possible.She was so out of her depth here.
Knowing he had been a jerk, Ben took Ella’s face in his hands.“I am so sorry.I shouldn’t have snapped at you.I don’t know what came over me.This is all my fault.I should have brought a condom into the shower with me.I wasn’t thinking.I have never lost control like that before.Please forgive me.I am so sorry.”
Ella did not pull away, but Ben could plainly see the look of fear in her tear-filled eyes.This whole situation had freaked her out too.Trying to find a way to make things better, Ben said, “Let’s take a beat and think about this before we both lose it completely.”
Shaking her head, Ella tried to make sense of the gravity of the moment.Suddenly, the weekend and all that had happened felt really heavy.Pulling away from Ben, Ella stepped out of the shower, needing space.
Ben tried to grab her arm to stop her a second time, but Ella shrugged him off.“I am ready to get out.I am hungry.”
Once Ella was out, she quickly dressed as recriminations assaulted her mind.All of her life, she had been taught that sex outside of marriage was bad.The nuns never used the word karma.Instead, they buried them in condemnation and consequences.Every good Catholic girl knew that sex outside of marriage meant pregnancy.It was beaten into them.Ella had thought she was too smart for that to happen to her.
As a first born, Ella had been raised to take care of herself.She had learned to depend on her own abilities and not to rely on others.It was how she maintained control, how she had made something of her life, and how she was going to secure her future.At this moment, Ella felt scared.All her worst fears were bouncing around in her head.She needed to regain some semblance of control, and to do that, she needed her computer and time to think.
Ella searched for pregnancy odds with and without a condom on her laptop.She discovered that based on the last day of her period, she had low odds of getting pregnant.Or at least on the day shethoughtwas the last day.In the future, she would definitely be writing all that down.
Through Ella’s internet search, she learned that even using condoms was only between 87 and 98 percent effective.She realized she should have done this research before having sex.Suddenly, she wished she had waited until next month when she was set to get her IUD.At the least, she should have stopped Ben in the moment.She felt anger and rage driven by fear.She wanted to yell and scream and throw a fit.
Ella was still stewing in her meltdown and taking her anger out on her long, wet, tangled hair when Ben walked back into the bedroom.With a towel slung low on his hips, he made his way over to where she was.
Wrapping Ella in his arms, Ben could literally feel her distancing herself from him.Gone was his beautiful, carefree, uninhibited Ella.Now a wall stood between them.Burying his face in her neck, he said softly, “I know you are mad at me.Hell, I am mad at myself.But whatever happens, we are in this together.I love you.You know that.”
Ella let him hold her for a moment longer, then jerked herself free.She suddenly felt very unsure of herself and them as a couple.The thought that their time together could have lifelong repercussions had her reeling.She needed a few minutes to figure out her next steps.She had always been able to think her way out of sticky situations, and this was the stickiest she had ever found herself in.
Ben could feel the anger rolling off Ella.Sighing deeply, he asked, “Ella, help me here.I have said I am sorry.What else do you want me to do?”
“Do?I don’t want you to do anything.I think you have done quite enough,” snapped Ella.“And what do you mean by ‘deal with it together’?Abortion, adoption, having it?What?”
Ben threw his hands in the air and said, “Gesh, Ella, I don’t know.I haven’t really thought it through.”
By his tone, Ella could tell he was as worried as she was.“Well, I haven’t either.But I do know I wish I had not come here this weekend.If I hadn’t, none of this would have happened.I should have just stayed at Eliza’s and never...”
“Never what, Ella?”asked Ben.“Never trusted me?Been with me?Told me you loved me?What is it you wish you had never done?”
“I don’t know, okay?I am just scared.”At that, Ella broke down crying and collapsed into a heap on the floor.
