And so I left the balcony, feeling oddly calm, though my movements were stiff. I felt like I was out of my body when I left my rooms and trekked to the West Wing. I hadn’t heard Kaldur return to his quarters. I thought it likely he might’ve still been in his study.
Maybe even with Lydrasa,I couldn’t help but think, feeling a twinge in my chest.
I saw a curl of light beneath the door. I stared at the spot I’d been just mere hours before. The spot where I realized I’d had it all wrong when it came to Kaldur of House Kaalium.
Now I only needed to hear it from his own mouth.
I didn’t bother knocking. I pushed open the door and stepped inside.
Kaldur’s gaze snapped up to mine. He was seated at his desk, his features both illuminated and shadowed by a blue projection of architecture plans from a Halo orb.
He frowned when he saw me but gestured forward.
“Is something wrong?” he asked, his eyes flicking back down to a glowing tablet of notes before him. “I need to finish this tonight?—”
“I heard what you said.”
Kaldur paused and looked up at me slowly. His frown deepened. “What are you talking about?”
I almost laughed. He didn’t even remember? Did he talk that way about me often, then?
“With Lydrasa,” I added, keeping my tone even, keeping my eyes pinned to his so he couldn’t look away. “Right here, earlier tonight.”
Realization went through him.
“You were listening?” he asked, his gaze pinned on mine. I had his full attentionnow. “Did you follow us?”
“No,” I said simply. “I left the gathering, and on my way up, I heard your voices. You didn’t close the door. I heard everything you said.”
Kaldur stood. He was still wearing his clothing from earlier, as if he hadn’t bothered to change. Whereas I’d slipped out of the dress immediately, as if it were a shackle around me and not Salairian silk.
“And what exactly did you hear?” he asked, stalking around the desk to approach me.
For a moment, I thought that maybe I should fear him. He was so much bigger and stronger than me.
“What you really think about me,” I told him, meeting his eyes. I was proud when my voice didn’t tremble, when my voicewas strong. He already thought I was a weakness. I didn’t want to give him any extra ammunition. “That I’m easily disposable to you. That you’ll always see me as a keeper and nothing more. That you find the idea of loving me laughable. That you never intended this to be anything more.”
“Which I told you,” he said. “How many times have I told you not to look too closely at what this is? If you do, you might not like what you find.”
How cold he was! I didn’t understand him. I didn’t understand how someone could be so callous.
“And then to go laugh at me behind my back with your former mistress, telling herprivatethings about moments that have nothing to do with her!”
That made him close his eyes, a deep breath falling from his lips. I would’ve thought it was regret if I didn’t know any better. Before last night, I would’ve thought just that.
“You made a fool out of me,” I breathed. “And I’m here now because I want you to say this to me directly. I want to know how you feel about me. Or if I’m just wasting my life, hoping one day youmightcare for me. That one day youmightlove me. Hoping one day wemightbe something more.”
My voice ended on a tone of a plea…and I hated that. But I couldn’t help it. For two years, I’d admired him from afar. I’d entertained fantasies of him, which made me feel less alone. Because when someone like me was suddenly in the magnetic and overwhelming presence of a male like him, she savored every scrap she could—thinking they were delicacies, only to find they were rotten.
“What are you asking me?” Kaldur growled. “Ask me directly. I’ll tell you what you need to know.”
“Did you say those things?” I started. The most basic of questions.
“Of course I did,” he replied, looming over me, a glare on his features. He didn’t bother to deny it. “You heard me yourself.”
“And is that what you really think of me? That I’m young and naive? That I could never be right for someone like you? That you think me beneath you, a mere keeper trying to better her station in life by slipping into your bed?”
He smirked, and it hit me like a punch in the gut. “Isn’t thatexactlywhat you’re trying to do, Erina Denoren?”
