I did my best. She sat beside the bath as I told her the events of the last year. How, shortly after the thaw, as we tracked a pack ofungirato our new encampment, we were ambushed by Ghertun. We’d lost two warriors and threepyrokisin the attack but managed to eliminate every last Ghertun. One of the warriors who fell had been the seamstresses’ mate and I’d always carried guilt that I could have foreseen the events of that day, that I could’ve stopped them.
I told her of the waterfalls of theTrikki, a place we’d made our second encampment for the year, during the warm season, towards the south. I told her that thewrissanherds there were so plentiful that we’d managed to dry enough of their meat for two cold seasons.
I told her of the journey east, as we sought a new encampment to base at for the approaching cold season.
My bath was growing cold when I finally told her about the human settlement to the east, that I’d gone there on patrol with my warriors shortly after making camp and had to punish a female for hunting. Recounting the memory left a sour taste in my mouth and churned my gut. I remembered Nelle, kneeling on the earth because I’d ordered her to. I remembered seeing the flash of the whip.
With a growl, I rose from the bath water, drying off quickly and dressing. My mother was looking at me, still kneeling next to the bath, and I helped her up, pressing her palms into mine.
Her gaze was always knowing. “You feel guilt for this? For doing your duty asVorakkar?”
“Lysi.”
“Why? Thevekkiriknow our laws.”
“You did not see what I saw,lomma,” I told her. “They areduvnain their own way, only there is no wealth in the settlements to take. They are all hungry. They are all just trying to survive.”
Her gaze narrowed. It was then she seemed unfamiliar to me. It was then I realized she’d long forgotten our own struggles. Had she forgotten the piercing ache of hunger? Had she forgotten the chilling fear?
Looking at her now, one would think she’d grown up in this stronghold, in the wealthiest place in all of Dakkar.
“What happened to the female, Seerin?” she asked slowly.
“I took her,” I told her, setting my jaw, knowing that she already saw the truth in my eyes. I’d never been able to hide anything from her.
“What do you mean you took her?”
“She is of my horde now,” I said softly.
Her expression didn’t change, but her voice was firm when she said, “Nik.”
“Lysi.”
Her nostrils flared. Her claws curled into my palm where I still held her hand.
“I did not make youVorakkarso that you could pollute our line, Seerin.”
My mother had aspired to greatness all her life, though she’d been lowborn. I knew that my status ofVorakkarbrought her more pride than being theDothikkar’sfavorite concubine. She’d worn that pride like a badge ever since the Trials.
“Look at how far Rath Kitala has fallen already,” she hissed quietly. “I hear hisvekkirimate is pregnant. Can you imagine a hybrid leading a horde?Nik. No Dakkari would follow, no matter how ancient Rath Kitala’s line is. TheDothikkarwould never allow ahybridto enter the Trials.”
No one would have followed a prostitute’s bastard son either, I thought.
“Yet he allowed me in,” I pointed out, disturbed by the hatred I heard in her voice.
“Because ofme,” she said, her eyes narrowing. “Nik. Take thevekkirias your whore if you must, but nothing more, Seerin. I forbid it. YourMorakkariwill be pure, from a noble line. It will solidify your place asVorakkar. It will allow your heirs to enter the Trials.Thatis what we have worked towards.”
My jaw ticked.
“You try so hard to erase your past,lomma,” I said softly. “You try so hard to erase who you were, to build the life you want through me. Does it even matter what I want?”
She exhaled a sharp breath. “Do you think your council and yourpujerakwill stand behind you if you take avekkirias your queen?Nik, of course not.”
Rath Kitala’s did, I thought to myself. And Vodan was my oldest friend. He would always remain loyal to me. With him at my side, the horde would remain strong.
“If they leave you, your horde will fall. Everything will be for nothing.”
“IamVorakkarof Rath Tuviri,” I said. “It is not you who controls my horde,lomma. And I will always do what is best formyhorde.”
