It was unfathomable, letting her go for a second time,willingly. But this wasn’t just about me.
“I…I don’t know,” she said softly.
Her words both filled me with hope and filled me with despair, a strange mixture that made me want to bellow to the domed ceiling of myvoliki.
“I would give up the horde for you,” I rasped. Her breath hitched, a stricken, stunned look on her face. “If that is what it takes, I will, Nelle. You would not be myMorakkari, but you would be my mate, mykassikari.”
“Kassikari,” she whispered, her eyes widening slightly.
“We could travel to one of the outposts and live there. We could raise our child there,” I said, my heart heavy in my chest. I loved being aVorakkar. I loved the horde life…but not if it meant giving up Nelle.
“Seerin, stop,” she said, her voice rising, her eyes wet. “You’re being foolish. I would never ask that of you!”
“Then what would you ask of me?”
Her mouth opened but no sound came out. My shoulders sagged.
It occurred to me, just then, that it was possible wecouldn’tbe fixed. And that realization hurt more than her silence.
Nelle looked down to the floor of thevoliki. I sensed our conversation was over. I knew she would leave soon.
Before she did, however, I said softly, “You asked me once if I did not have the horde, what would I want for myself?”
Her fingers began to tap on her thigh.
“Well, I finally have an answer and it is you. I wantyou,thissie,” I told her. My lips twisted as dread settled in my belly. “Only, I’m just now wondering if I’ll ever truly have you again as mine.”
Chapter Forty-Two
There were two things I knew for certain.
The first was that I still loved Seerin. I’d never stopped, even when I’d wanted to hate him. I’d tried to numb my feelings for him, to push them deep down until they were completely buried, but they’d always had a way of floating back up to the surface when my guard was down.
The second was that it disturbed me he would give up the horde to save our relationship and our future together. It disturbed me greatly because I knew he spoke the truth. Seerin loved his horde. He loved beingVorakkar. It was what he was meant to do. He’d told me long ago that he had great plans for the horde and was determined to see them through.
Which was why it made everything in me rebel at the thought of him leaving…for me.
It was the afternoon, two days after Seerin had offered to give up the horde. I’d seen him briefly yesterday in the training grounds as I left themitri’sworkshop. Now that the thaw was coming and the temperatures weren’t nearly as frigid, training had resumed for the warriors. Our eyes had connected briefly. He hadn’t been fighting, but rather watching along the far fence of the enclosure, but I had captured his attention entirely.
Seeing him among his warriors reminded me of the first time I’d seen him in my village. He’d drawn eyes. He drew attention because he was simply a commanding presence. And it wasn’t his size, his broadness, his strength—though those certainly added to it—it was the way he held himself apart from his horde. He was a leader—one that had been bornandmade. He couldn’t be on the same level as the members of Rath Tuviri. In order to best serve them, hehadto detach.
It made me realize that he’d done the same to me. He’d detached from me because he thought it would best serve his horde…because he was a leader. He had to be. He didn’t have the luxury of being selfish because he had to think of families, of warriors, of elders, of children.
He was aVorakkar. It was marked into his skin, though I thought it was etched into his very bones, deep and permanent and lasting.
I didn’t envy him his power, his responsibility. But he didn’t need my envy. He only sought my support.
That afternoon, I roamed the encampment after working with themitri. My hands throbbed from hammering Dakkari steel over the anvil for most of the morning. He was teaching me the proper techniques for working with blades and I was cooling off from the heat of thevolikibefore I made my way to Avuli’s.
I saw him as I walked towards thepyrokipen—Seerin’spujerak. He was speaking with a female, who I knew to be his mate. She worked in the common bathingvolikiand though she didn’t speak the universal language, she’d always been pleasant towards me and greeted me every day, despite how much her mate detested me.
They seemed to be arguing about something just outside theirvoliki. His brows were drawn together, the bright cold season sun shining across his face, and her cheeks were flushed in anger. She said something and then stormed into their home, leaving him to stand outside.
There were others roaming about, shooting him curious looks, but it wasmethat his eyes found after a moment.
There was something I’d often wondered about in the past month and I knew he had the answer. I didn’t know if he would give it to me, but I didn’t have a lot to lose in trying.
I went to him and asked, “Can I speak with you a moment?”
