Still, a treacherous part of me had a difficult time falling asleep at night, knowing he slept out there, unprotected, with Lokkas. He had barely come with any provisions at all, giving further proof to his story that he’d journeyed straight here after learning I had left. He had no furs, no food or water—though he hunted easily.
But he gives most of his food to you, a voice whispered in my mind.
At night, he would return again with more skewers ofrikcrun. I wondered how the villagers felt about him coming and going with fresh, cooked food to my door. He’d mentioned on the second day that he’d given my uneaten morning portions to ‘the older male next to you.’ I assumed he’d meant Bard, my neighbor, and a part of my chilled heart warmed slightly at the prospect.
What worried me, however, was that at night, Seerin talked. He would watch me eat while he spoke of things that made me hate him and remember why I’d fallen in love with him in the first place. He spoke of things that made me remember my life back at the horde. It was only three weeks that I’d been gone, but it felt like much, much longer.
That night, he told me what had transpired in the last few weeks. That it was thepyrokis’ mating time, that a few of the nests in the enclosure had been accidentally destroyed and rebuilt because of it. That themitriwas receiving more requests for Dakkari steel bows from the warriors, even from a couple children. That a child had been born, that the mother was one of thebikkusand the father was a warrior.
“It is good to hear a baby’s cry in the horde again,” he murmured, sitting on the floor across from me, his back to one of the creaking walls. I’d said nothing to him since he’d appeared at my door that night, though I was ravenous and had eaten therikcrunhe’d brought me. All of it. “Most are born after the thaw.”
Because during the cold season, locked in close quarters, naturally keeping one another warm, what else was there to do but mate?I thought, pressing my lips together. It only served to remind me that I hadn’t told Seerin about the pregnancy. Not yet. Everything seemed like a constant reminder. We’d never spoken about children. Did he even want them?
“And once the thaws come, there will be a celebration. Much like the frost feast, though there will be no fresh meat. Just mostly fermented wine.” His eyes were steady, his voice even as he said, “For that reason alone, we will wait to celebrate ourtassimarauntil we journey to the southlands.”
My brow furrowed.Tassimara?
“Our joining ceremony,” he murmured, seeing my confusion, and I swallowed loudly at his words. “We will track ahebrikkiherd and make our new home close by. We will have the first of the fresh meat at ourtassimara, in our new encampment, in a place that will grow warm and lush after the thaw. I know you will like it there.”
“Stop,” I whispered, closing my heart off to his words when it pumped too strongly with longing and desire. “There will be notassimara.”
Though it was the first time I’d spoken to him all day, he didn’t hesitate as he said, “Then we will wait. Perhaps by the blue solstice, you will feel differently.”
Later that night, after he left to return to the Dark Forest, I lay underneath my fur and stared up at the dark ceiling, my hand on my belly. My back ached from sleeping on the hard floor and I marveled at how I’d slept in this very place for almost my entire life. When Jana had been alive, there had been a bed stuffed with cloth, but Grigg had offered to pay me twenty credits for it shortly after she died. I’d been in no position to refuse and in the back of my mind, I wondered if he still slept on that very bed. I wondered if he knew that was where Jana had drawn her last breath.
My fingers traced the growing curve of my stomach underneath my belly button. I wondered why I had not told Seerin yet. It was not something that I could keep to myself now that he was here. Before, I’d never expected to see him again. Now, he was insisting on bringing me back to the horde and talking of things liketassimaras.
A small breath escaped me in the darkness. I knew how determined and stubborn he could be. He truly meant it when he said he wouldn’t return without me. He would sleep in the Dark Forest until he turned to ice. Only the thaw would save him then.
I didn’t dare believe in his perfect, pretty words. I didn’t dare believe that he loved me after all, that he wanted to make me hisMorakkari, his wife, his queen, especially after he’d told me it could never be me. If I believed in him again and then he pushed me away…I wouldn’t come back from it. I wondered if this was how my mother felt after my father died. This heartache, this seemingly never-ending sadness.
But I was not like my mother. I was having a child and I would never abandon my baby like she’d abandoned me. I had to be strong. I had to do anything and everything in my power to protect him or her, to keep them safe.
I could find another horde, but even if I found one, there was always a possibility they would turn me away. Finding another horde was an uncertainty, yet Rath Tuviri was a certain thing. Seerin was hereright now. He was demanding that I return with him. It would be so easy to give in…and yet, it would be the most difficult choice I would have to make.
This isn’t about me, I realized. It wasn’t even about us, about Seerin and I. It was about our child.
The baby deserved to know their father. They deserved to know their Dakkari blood, their culture, their people. They deserved to grow up in an environment that was safe, protected, and caring.
I know what I have to do, but I’m afraid to do it, I confessed to myself. Tears welled up in my eyes and leaked down my temples as I stared up at the ceiling. Wind whistled through the holes in the wood, as if in answer to my thoughts.
I couldn’t stay. The safest, smartest decision would be to return to the horde of Rath Tuviri with Seerin. It might even be theonlydecision at this point.
If my guess was correct, I was almost two months into the pregnancy. It was very likely Seerin had gotten me pregnant the night he’d returned fromDothik.I knew nothing about delivering and caring for a baby. I didn’t even know how long I would be pregnant for. I was scared and heartbroken and alone.
Except I didn’t have to be alone. I had friends in Rath Tuviri. They could help me if I needed it.
* * *
The next morning,before the sun even rose, I packed up the travel sack Avuli had given me. I rolled up the fur, deposited the dagger within, and carried it over my shoulder. It was significantly lighter than it’d been before, considering I’d eaten almost three weeks of rations from it.
I didn’t look back at my home as I closed the door behind me. At Bard’s door, I left the sack, knowing I wouldn’t need it, and then I turned and left.
It was still dark, the skyjustbeginning to lighten in the distance, and the village road that led to the gates was empty and quiet. My footsteps crunched into the snow, the sound loud against the hush. I marveled at how much had changed in the last three months as I walked from the village for the last time.
Once I was past the gates, I turned towards the Dark Forest. I knew it like the back of my hand and had explored every inch in my lifetime. I knew where Seerin would make his base because it had the best view of the village and of my little house. My instinct told me he would be there.
And he was. After I climbed the short incline of the ridge and weaved through the first layer of trees that stood like ancient guardians at the forest’s edge, I spied him propped up against a blackened trunk, Lokkas curled close beside him.
