He was sleeping. Both of them were. In sleep, with those intense grey eyes closed to the world, Seerin looked less intimidating and almost peaceful.
Agony burst in me and stayed for a long moment as I looked at him. I held still and silent as tears blurred my vision.
Why did I have to fall in love withyou?I asked silently. Why couldn’t it have been anyone else? Perhaps it would’ve been easier if it had been no one at all and then this aching sadness would disappear. I wished that three weeks could’ve erased the love that he’d built in my heart, but something told me it wasn’t as simple as that.
I hated that he slept out here. I hated that I couldn’t bring myself to offer my home, hated that being in his presence for too long brought worry and fear and longing into my heart. It was not long ago when I’d craved being with him. It wasn’t too long ago when I’d missed him even when he was still near.
My morning sickness rose, but the icy chill on my face helped distract me from the nausea. I walked towards Seerin and my movements roused Lokkas, who turned his eyes towards me. Seerin had always been a light sleeper. He woke at the smallest sound, so when I approached and he didn’t stir, it made me realize how exhausted he must truly be.
Guilt ate at me. He’d been sleeping out here for four nights now. He hadn’t eaten nearly as much food as his body needed. And he had no shelter, no protection out here from the elements.
When I neared Lokkas, I reached my hand out to stroke his snout. He pushed his scaled nose into my palm and made a chirring sound. It was that sound that woke Seerin, whose eyes flashed open. When he sensed someone near, he stilled, his hand going to his sheathed sword at his side.
When he saw it was me, standing there in the Dark Forest at dawn, he murmured, still drowsy from sleep, “Kassikari, what are you doing out here?”
I wondered whatkassikarimeant. He’d called me it before, many times. Another name he had for me that made my chest pull with memory.
Seerin had always woken easily, yet slowly. How many times had I watched him wake, how many times had his bleary eyes come to me immediately as he rasped something out in Dakkari, his words husky and warm? How many times had I teased him about his love for long mornings in our bed? How many times had he silenced me with his drugging, mind-spinning kisses?
“Nelle,” he murmured, trying to catch my attention.
“I’m pregnant, Seerin,” I said, my voice soft but tormented from wonderful memory and my thoughts.
Air whistled through his nostrils as he inhaled a sharp breath. His eyes flared and he pushed up from the blackened trunk until he was standing within arm’s reach of me. Lokkas stood with his master until I was small again beside them both.
“I will return with you for the sake of the child,” I said, craning my head to look up at him. “I was not planning to stay here regardless but now that you’re here…I know it’s the right choice.”
“Were you ever going to tell me?” he rasped, his eyes like flint. “I have been here four days and you tell me this now?”
His anger stemmed from his own past, I knew. He’d never known his father and I knew from our past conversations, though he’d never said it outright, that he’dwantedto. The knowledge that I was pregnant, that I had kept it to myself until now, resurfaced old wounds within him. I knew that, but I was not afraid of his anger.
“I never thought I would see you again,” I told him truthfully, “and certainly nothere.”
“Did you know you were pregnant when you left?” he asked.
“No,” I said. Even as hurt as I’d been, I wouldn’t have left if I’d known I was pregnant then.
He went quiet, looking past me towards the village, trying to process what I’d just revealed to him. When he brought a hand up to rake through his tangled, damp hair, I saw that it shook. A sharp pang went through me at the sight.
“It is why you would not eat in the mornings,” he said. “Because you were sick.”
He cursed under his breath and Lokkas shifted beside me, sensing his master’s emotions.
“What do you mean you were not planning to stay here?” he growled out next. “What were you planning to do exactly?”
I inhaled a long breath, knowing that what I would say would incite more of his anger. I refused to feel guilty about it, however, as I told him, “I know that theVorakkarof Rath Kitala took a humanMorakkari.” He’d never told me himself. I’d learned it from Odrii. Looking back, I realized Seerin neverwantedme to know. Because he thought it would give me hope for a future with him? “I thought it was very possible she was also pregnant or had already given birth to a child. I was planning to seek them out after the thaw.”
His nostrils flared. “You were planning to brave the wild lands pregnant with no knowledge of where his horde was?”
“Yes,” I said, lifting my chin.
“Do you know how foolish that is?” he growled.
“Yes,” I said again. “Believe me, I know. But I felt I had no other choice. I would not raise my child in this village. I would not subject him or her to hunger and cold and contempt.” His lips pressed together and I watched his throat bob with his heavy swallow.
“Ourchild, Nelle,” he corrected.
“Oh, yes,” I said, my hurt finally making an appearance. “You would rather have me raiseourchild in your horde. You would rather have me watch you take another as yourMorakkari, to endure as she bore you your heirs while I raisedourchild. I believe you told me I would have to accept it because it was your duty.”
