She stilled.
“You told me once that all you wanted was to not be alone,” I said, my voice coming out roughened and dark from the cutting emotions swirling within me. Her eyes flickered with recognition as mine flickered to her dark hair. “You told me you didn’t want your hair to turn grey and find that you were alone.”
That crack in her expression showed again.
“The horde is your true home,thissie. You will never be alone there. You were happy there,” I rasped. “Then I hurt you.Iknowingly hurt the one person in my life who I only ever wanted to protect and cherish. And I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I will spend the rest of my life showing that I love you. Until you never have to question it. Until you would never think of questioning it.”
She shook her head. She was wary, I could see that, but I didn’t care how long it would take to erase the doubt in her mind.
“I will not give you up,” I told her. “I will not fail you or disappoint you again.I promise you that.”
“I’m tired, Seerin,” she whispered.
I was getting nowhere with her that night.
Blowing out a long breath, I switched tactics. I asked softly, “Have you been eating,thissie?”
There were dark circles under her eyes and the hollow of her cheeks seemed more pronounced. Her eyes flickered to a travel sack of hide wedged into the corner of her small home. I went to it, peeled back the flap, and saw there were dried meats andkuveriloaves inside. It was a small relief to know she’d hadsomethingto sustain herself. But by the looks of it, it was already half gone and would barely get her through the cold season.
It wasn’t enough. Not nearly. Knowing her, she’d been eating as little as possible to stretch out the rations.
When I straightened, I simply looked at her. After two and half weeks of not seeing her, of not speaking with her, all I wanted to do was go to her and wrap her in my arms. But even I knew she would not welcome my touch. Not anymore.
She was so beautiful to me that it made my chest physically ache.
“Nothing I say,” I said quietly, “will change what I did. But it doesn’t change how I feel about you either. I saw Kakkari’s guiding light in your eyes the last time we were in this village together.” Her brow furrowed slightly. “I saw strength and hope and connection in you. I knew that you were going to change my life from that very moment…and you have. You will continue to change it. You were always meant to be mine, Nelle. I was always meant to be yours. Kakkari knew that. I know that. I’m just sorry—so terribly sorry—that it took me this long to realize that.”
Hesitation flickered in her eyes. Only for a brief moment…but it told me that sheheardme. At the very least, she heard me.
“I will hunt and bring yourikcrunin the morning so you can have fresh meat,” I murmured, deciding it was best to give her time to her thoughts. My eyes went to the dagger in her hand and the broken chair on the floor. “And do not fear,rei thissie, no one will dare to come near you. I will make sure of that.”
She looked down to the floor of her home, her fingers beginning to tap on her thigh. A familiar habit of hers. One that told me she hadn’t completely locked herself away.
“Veekor, kalles,” I murmured.
Sleep, female.
They were words I’d often whispered in her ear after we had exhausted ourselves with mating, with my seed leaking down her inner thighs. Words I’d said to her when I curled her in my arms and she pressed her cheek against my chest. She’d told me she liked to listen to my heart, that counting the beats brought comfort to her as she dozed off into sleep.
In those moments, I’d known true peace. As if my singular purpose in the universe was simply to hold her, protect her,loveher. As if I’d finally found my calling in life.
She remembered those words well and the memories that surrounded them. Her expression changed, her brows lifting ever so slightly, her nostrils flaring.
Longing. Finally, there was something recognizable in her features. It gave me hope that the love she had for me wasn’t completely lost after all, that some part of her still wanted me.
I promised, “I will return in the morning.”
Chapter Forty
Three days later, Seerin still hadn’t left and my hardened determination had already begun to waver. Every morning, he came to my door, bringing with him skewers of cookedrikcrunand a fresh skin of water. The smell made my stomach heave in protest, though I’d always managed to hold down my nausea in his presence, but I could only eat very little.
At first, I told myself it didn’t matter if Seerin was in the village. It didn’t matter that I spent some moments with him. I had a plan to leave, my time in the village was only temporary, and I was numb enough to his words and his actions that it didn’t matter if he was near.
At least that was what I’d told myself. But I’d somehow forgotten that Seerin had always had a way of finding his way inside.
During the day, he stayed away, as if he knew I needed space. He told me he was sleeping in the Dark Forest with Lokkas, so I assumed that was where he went. The forest had a good view of the village, even a good view of my dwelling. I refused to acknowledge the wiggling ache of guilt, knowing he slept in the icy cold and snow when there was a relatively clean floor in my home. The forest might protect him from the wind during the night, but it certainly didn’t keep the wet sludge and chill away.
It’s his decision, I reminded myself.I told him to go and he will not.
