At least he’d been right about one thing.
Lani didn’t want to be won.
Chapter Sixteen
Lainey lay awake in her bed, restless and unable to sleep. Just like last night.
Only tonight, she felt like she was on the verge of tears every other moment because she kept seeing Kirov’s disappointment in her mind’s eye when she’d told him that she wasn’t ready for a relationship with him just because they’d hooked up. Or his stunned hurt when she’d told him she didn’t believe that she was his mate, that she didn’t believehim.
Just like always, when Lainey felt backed into a corner, she always came out with fists swinging, not caring who got hurt.
Only that time, it was Kirov that got hurt. All because she’d lied. He’d asked her for the truth and she’d lied.
She squeezed her eyes shut, tears rolling from the corners. It was nights like these when Lainey remembered why she didn’t like herself sometimes. She pushed people away when they got too close. It was why she didn’t have any close friends anymore, like she hadn’t been in a relationship for a long time, why she hardly spoke to her parents—though there were other reasons for that.
Still.
It was a pattern, a pattern she hated, but repeated consciously.
And why? For what purpose? Why couldn’t she let herself get close to someone?
Hours ticked by, but the guilt never lessened. She replayed their conversation over in her mind and cringed. She hadn’t intended to essentially break up with him, but it had come out that way.
Kirov had made his feelings and intentions clear, from the very beginning. He was open about those things. He didn’t hesitate to touch her, or call her beautiful, or look at her with those blue eyes with an expression that had her heart pounding in her chest. He didn’t have walls around his heart, not when it came to her. For her, he’d let herseehim.
And to reciprocate, her heart was more difficult to breach than Fort Knox and she’d closed the gates on him hard.
She’d kissed him and touched him and teased him and laughed with him and let him pleasure her body…and then she retreated with her tail between her legs, giving some bullshit excuse.
Of course, he was angry and upset and disappointed.
If their situations were reversed, Lainey would bepissed. She would feel used and discarded and furious and hurt.
That killed her…because she’d done exactly that to Kirov and he hadn’t deserved it.
For a brief while, she fell into a fitful sleep, tossing and turning underneath the furs, dreaming that he would come to her in the night, dreaming that he would forgive her even though she’d treated him terribly.
When she woke, it was still dark out and she had no idea when the suns would rise. But one thing was clear, she owed Kirov an apology and she’d been a coward for too long.
Pushing from the bed, Lainey ran a hand through her tangled hair to try to make it a little more presentable, taking a deep breath to prepare herself. Then she opened her door and padded out to the living room, her heartbeat racing as she peered around the corner.
The fire was still going and the room was quiet. She saw movement out of the corner of her eye, her breath hitching.
But it was Vixron, returned from his short night of rest. Lainey wondered if Kirov had summoned him after their argument.
Her brow furrowed, disappointment sagging her shoulders.
“Tev, female? Do you need something?” Vixron asked, straightening.
“No, I was just…” Lainey trailed off. “I couldn’t sleep. I thought that Ambassador guy would still be here.”
Vixron studied her carefully before saying, “Ambassador Kirov was needed at the command center. I suspect he has much to finish before he leaves for Troxva later this afternoon.”
“I…I thought he was leaving tomorrow morning,” she said softly, her lungs squeezing.
“That was not my understanding when I spoke with him.”
“Right,” she whispered. She looked down at her bare feet and then around the living room, as if Kirov would appear out of thin air the longer she looked. She forced a smile and said, “I need some fresh air. I’ll be out on the terrace.”
