Fee, Enid, and Cammie meet me at the door and fold me into another group hug.
“This semester has been a roller coaster ride for you,” Fee says.
“That’s the truth,” I agree. The ups and downs have been legendary.
“Are you okay? Are you and Flip okay?” Cammie asks.
“Not really.” I understand Phillip’s motivations now, and why his past has kept such a tight hold on him all these years. To have the person he loved reduce him to an object would be heart shattering. But my own hurt and fears won’t disappear. Now we both need to do triage with our loved ones, again. He has to explain this to his friends and his entire family. He’s kept this to himself for a decade. Now it’s out in the world and he has no choice but to deal with it.
Fee wrings her hands and glances at Cammie.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Enid asks gently.
“Yeah.” I need an impartial sounding board, people who won’t be hurt because they didn’t know about my boyfriend’s secret ex-wife.
We convene in the living room with bottles of Vitamin Water, and I tell them the parts of the story that feel okay to share. Not the personal, private stuff, just the basics.
“Oh wow, I can’t believe only Dred knew,” Cammie says.
“It’s a big secret,” Fee agrees.
“It’swhyhe did that I’m having the hardest time with.” I explain the realization I came to. “He’s thoughtful, kind, attentive, we have amazing chemistry, but he wants me to be completely honest and vulnerable with him, and he won’t do the same.” I dash tears away. “I can get over the fact that he was married, but I can’t spend the rest of my life wondering if he’s just telling me things are fine because he’s too scared to be honest about his feelings.” I let my head fall back. “I know my parents’ divorce is making this worse.”
“I’m so sorry,” Cammie says softly.
“You’re carrying a lot right now,” Fee murmurs.
“It’s reasonable that you’re overwhelmed,” Enid agrees.
“I just need a break from the noise. The media always being in our faces doesn’t help.” The tears are free flowing today and they’re exhausting.
My friends pull me in for another group hug.
“I don’t even really have time to fall apart. Exams are almost here. Everything is changing and I’m terrified I’ll fuck it all up because all my feelings are made of lava.”
“Deep breaths.” Fee inhales with me.
“Do you think he can learn how to be open with you about how he feels now that he knows it’s a problem?” Cammie asks.
“Last night he was but only because he was forced to be.” I can’t get out from under the mountain of worries. “I don’t want to end up like my parents.”
“That won’t happen,” Enid says quickly.
“Phillip does exactly what my mom did with my dad, though,” I whisper.
“But now you know why, and so does he. You won’t spend two and a half decades letting him get away with it.”
“You’re right.” I dab at my swollen eyes. “Phillip hasn’t just been living up to the fantasy boyfriend I built in my head; he’s been exceeding it. But he’s human and imperfect, and he has damage.”
“At least now you know what it is,” Fee says.
“Yeah.” She’s right. And sitting here stewing about the future isn’t helpful. “I think I’m just hypersensitive to all of it because of what’s happening with my parents.” As if on cue, there’s a knock on the door. “And that’s my mom.”
“We’ll be at my place. Just come over when you’re ready.” They help me to my feet and disappear into Fee’s room to grab her backpack while I let my mom in.
She’s holding a bag from the Dutch Toko by our house. They have the best selection of dropjes in the city.
“Pars is coming for you!” Fee yells.
