CHAPTER 49
TALLY
I’m beyond exhausted the following morning when Phillip drops me off at the dance studio. I’m emotionally wrung out. I don’t want to break up with him, but now that I see the pattern, I can’t unsee it. I don’t want to end up like my parents. I don’t want Phillip to think he has to be the perfect boyfriend every moment of every day. I want him to feel as safe with me as I feel with him.
What if he never does?
What if we love each other but he can’t be vulnerable with me the way I need him to?
What if we get married and have a family, and it all falls apart?
What if what if what if.
“You going to be okay today?” He has dark circles under his eyes.
“Yeah. I’ll manage. Go easy on yourself.” No one else will, and I worry about that, too.
“You’ll stay off social media?” His jaw works.
“I will. You should let Hemi handle things.”
“Yeah.” He nods woodenly and sighs. “I’m sorry.”
I settle my hand on his cheek and force him to look at me. “Just because we are not okay right now doesn’t mean we won’t be.”
“You’ll have time to think,” he whispers.
“So will you.” It’s all too heavy. Like we can’t get out from under Phillip’s past. Maybe because he’s never truly dealt with it. “We will be okay. It will just take time.”
He nods, eyes still weighed down with sadness and exhaustion. “I know.”
“I have to go.” He’s clinging to my hand like it’s a lifeline. “And you need to talk to Tristan and your sister.” It will be a hard morning for both of us. After dance, I have to talk to Fee, Cammie, and Enid, and then my mom is coming over. At least I’ve already dealt with my dad. He tried to rein his temper in, but my tears and his inability to console me made him angry.
“Can I kiss you?” he asks softly, expression forlorn.
Despite spending last night in his arms, the only kisses were the ones on the back of my neck when he curved his body around mine. “You can.”
He slides his hand into my hair, fingers shaking as he leans in and presses his lips gently to mine. He makes a pained sound, and despite the conflict and fear raging inside me, I tilt my head and part my lips. This part is easy with him. We can always fall back on the chemistry. Avoid difficult topics by succumbing to desire. Ironic that he wanted all the connection but couldn’t give himself over the way he wanted me to.
He strokes inside, fingers tightening in my hair as he deepens the kiss. It turns from tentative to desperate in a matter of seconds. I want to get lost in this, but I can’t. I have responsibilities and so does he. So I pull back. He tries to bring me back to him, but I touch the back of his hand.
“I have to go and so do you.”
He presses his forehead to mine, releases a shaky exhale. “Okay. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay.” I extricate myself from his hands, grab my backpack from the floor, and exit the car.
Charles and Arya are already in the studio warming up when I arrive.
“Are you okay?” Charles asks.
“I’m fine.” I do not have time for an emotional breakdown.
“I would feel better if you’renotactually okay,” Arya says.
That’s enough to turn on the eyeball faucet. They wrap me in a hug from both sides. We might not spend a lot of time together outside of the studio, but we’ve been dancing together for four years, and we share a strong bond. They don’t ask me to explain, or dig for information, they just let me get my feelings out until I’m ready to put them aside and dance.
Rehearsal isn’t smooth, but it is a good and necessary distraction. Afterward, I return to my apartment, grateful for the plain black ball cap and hoodie that help make me less identifiable. Exams are on the horizon. I need to study and stay focused.
