She smiles softly, as though she’s thinking about something. She looks down at her apple watch and jumps up. “Fuck, I’m late.” She scrambles for the door. “You going to be okay?” she asks, stopping abruptly.
I nod my head. “After a cold shower and some food, I’ll be right as rain.” I give her a thumbs up.
“Perfect. Have fun with Paislee today. Bye, sweets!” She waves, exiting the bathroom, leaving me alone.
***
It’s stupid. I know it is. But before I even realize what I’m doing, I’ve got Paislee in my arms and I’m standing at the bedroom door at the end of the hall.
I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help myself.
Holding Paislee close, I walk into Noah’s room.
It’s so warm in here. Knowing it’s his childhood room makes the pain of him not being here hurt even more.
I stroll around looking at his dresser, covered in weed shavings, old CDs and text books.
I would’ve loved to hear more about his college days. He’s so smart and charismatic when he gets going. I could listen to him talk for hours.
I wander over to his bed, and set Paislee down so she starts crawling on his bedsheets.
Dammit, I should never have come in here.
The moment I sat down, all I can smell is him.
Everythingreminds me of him and it’s just a worsening pit of regret.
Regret of how I acted at the hospital. Regret of letting him leave and not going after him. It was just…tense. The things I was feeling all came out wrong. If he had waited. If he just allowed me to calm down andbreathe…maybe he’d still be here.
I might have been self-loathing about Paislee getting sick but there’s no where in me that regretted my weekend with him.
I fuckingmiss himand that’s the worst part. He doesn’t know.
I lay back, picking Paislee up and sitting her on my chest. She garbles around her giraffe and I smile as she looks down at me.
I’m so lucky to have her but is it so wrong of me to be selfish and want something as precious as Noah all to myself?
Can I truly have both? Is that even a reality for me?
My eyes gravitate around his room and land on his side table.
I pick my head up and see it cracked just slightly.
Something small and purple glistens in the corner, making my curiosity tingle.
I didn’t want to come in here to search through his things. That’s an invasion of privacy. I know that.
But seeing whatever it is calling out to me…and knowing what else he stores in there…I must check it out.
Maybe it’ll be the key to getting Noah back.
37
Noah
“I have to admit, I’m surprised you called.” Dakota takes a long drag of our joint before passing it back to me.
“I’m surprised you answered.” I suck in the smoke, feeling my lungs fill.
