I walked over to the bed and stood there, with my hands stuffed into my pockets, just looking down at her. Steady crying, shoulders growing just as heavy as my feet felt. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I would be able to handle the arrangements. Not alone. I would need them. My siblings. But I was sure they would be of no use. I looked down at my pops and shook my head. He definitely wouldn’t be. Just like before, it was on me. Just like before, I had to handle it all.
It was the same thing with Nova. Reign didn’t help with the arrangements. She could barely help herself. She was fucked up. Just stared at the TV screen all day, every day. I had to meet with the funeral director. I had to pick her last dress out. I had to tell them how to do her hair. Had to pick the bows and shit out. It was all on me. Just like this would be.
I didn’t know how long I was standing there crying before Luna and Orion walked in. I was in a daze up until Luna’s screams pulled me out of it.
“Mommy!” She cried. “Mommy! Please don’t leave me!”
Orion held her up as they walked over to the bed where I stood, my eyes steady on moms. I needed to call 911. I needed to get her up out of here, but I couldn’t move. My hands stayed inside of my pockets. My feet planted. My eyes locked on her. Sometimes I even had to remember to breathe.
“Fuck ma,” Orion grumbled, reminding me of myself not too long ago. “Damn man.”
Luna climbed into bed with her, laid her head on the other side of her chest and bawled. Orion stood next to me, staring just like I was. Pops hadn’t moved. He was still on his knees, head on her chest, crying. The crying had subsided a bit. Went from hysterical to soft and quiet. Soft and quiet like the tears me and O shed.
I swallowed. “I gotta make that call.”
“Not yet,” said Pops. “I’m not ready for her to leave yet.”
Neither of us were but she had to go. She couldn’t stay here. I looked over at Orion. He looked over at me.
“Five minutes, bro,” He said.
I looked away and said nothing. Five more minutes wouldn't make a difference. In five minutes, they would want five more. And after that, five more.
Hours later, the house was full of family and friends. They were in the living room. I was in the bathroom, sitting on the lid of the toilet away from the chaos. I didn’t want to be bothered. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Didn't want to hear another ‘sorry, nephew’. I was over it. Wanted to leave this bitch for real but I couldn’t. I had to spend the night. I had to make sure pops was alright.
About thirty minutes into me sitting in the bathroom, there was a knock on the door for the second time. First time, I told whoever I was using it. That was about ten minutes ago. Moms ‘nem had more than one bathroom, but this was the guestbathroom. The other, the master. Whoever it was had to use it so I had to get up.
I took a deep breath, got up and headed out, running into Uncle Lew.
I sized him up. “Don’t make a mess, Unc. Please.”
If moms was here she would have whispered for me to check behind him when he was done.
He nodded. “Aight nephew.”
I tossed the hood to my hoodie over my head and pulled a barstool out from the island. With my hands stuffed into my pockets, I stared off, thinking about everything I had to do. Not just with the funeral—period. I had to be at the construction site tomorrow morning. I had to meet with three investors within the next two days. And I had a meeting with the team scheduled. My mind went to Judah and I thought about passing it all off to him. All but one. The meeting at the construction site tomorrow. Only because she would be there. Only because I needed a sight for sore eyes. But I wondered if seeing her would add to the pain since what we had was done. Since she needed time alone. Since she’d cut me off. I wondered if it would be best for me to just pass it all off to him.
I sighed, knocked my hoodie off and ran my hand over my head. What did I have to do first? Shit, I couldn’t remember. Was I supposed to contact the funeral home? Yeah, I was sure that came next. Maybe I should run to the store tomorrow afternoon to grab her outfit. Moms loved purple. She needed a purple dress. What size did she wear? Was I supposed to get shoes too? Shoes for what? She didn’t need them. Wouldn't be walking no-fuckin’-where.
I clenched down on my jaw and shifted my eyes to the refrigerator. I knew Pops had to have something on ice. Getting up, I walked over to the ‘fridge and opened it, finding a bottle of 1942 at the bottle of the freezer.
When I closed the refrigerator, I was face to face with Reign.
“Hi,” she softly said, her eyes bloodshot red with bags underneath them. “I hope it’s okay that I’m here. Lu called me and... I’m so sorry.”
I didn’t say anything. Didn’t even stop her when she wrapped her arms around me for a hug. I let her. Hugged her back, too. I wasn’t surprised she was here. Like I said before, moms loved her. Looked at her as a second daughter. Treated her as such regardless of the breakup too.
“Do you um... Do you need anything?” She asked, pulling away from the hug.
I looked down at her, stared for a couple of seconds, and shook my head. Fuck did she mean did Ineedanything? What could she do for me now that she didn’t do for me then? I was in a mood. A fucked up mood. Went from being sad as hell to being mad. I was tired of this shit. Tired of having to accept life for what it was. Tired of being dealt fucked up hands. Tired of having resources and them not amounting up to anything when I needed them to the most. Shit was pointless. Life.... it was pointless.
We lived to die.
Loved to lose.
Where was the fulfillment in that? What was the purpose behind that? I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Shit didn’t make any sense.
Reign rubbed her lips together and nodded. “Okay. Well... I’m here Crescent. Okay?” She locked eyes with me and raised her brows. “I am here. You don’t have to go through this alone, alright?”
