I press my palm flat against my chest.
“There’s someone,” I admit, the words heavy on my chest, but as honest as they’ll come. “And that terrifies me. Not because of him. Because of me.”
I cover my face, the tears not silent anymore. They’re free-falling, combined with gasps and sobs. “Why did you leave me?”
I scream into the air. At the universe. At God. At time.
At everyone.
At him.
“This is not what I wanted. We were supposed to last forever. Life wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
“But it is,” a deep voice says from behind me, startling me. I was so lost in my rage I missed the truck driving up behind me. I missed a whole other person sharing the space with me.
“Jake,” I say, jolting up, wiping the tears away, or as much as I can. “What are you doing here?”
He slides his hands in his pockets, eyeing me with concern he doesn’t voice, but I can see it all behind his eyes. “The same thing I’ve done every September on this day for?—”
“Four years,” I mutter. Four years since we lost our best friend.
“I drove by the cemetery, and it was empty, so I thought I’d check here.”
“Well.” I sniffle. “You found me.”
“Is this your first time?” he asks, kicking some rocks on the way to me. He taps the swing for me to take a seat and pushes me just like Nick used to.
“Talking to my husband? No.”
“Getting angry at him?” he asks, as if he either heard my whole crash out or as if he’s had one too.
I nod. “Why am I even angry at him, Jake? It wasn’t his fault. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“I know, but you’re still allowed to be angry at him, at life, at circumstances, hell, even at the rain. All your feelings are valid. They’re normal.”
“I know anger is supposed to be one of those stages of grief I’ve read so much about, but I never felt it until now. I’ve never been this angry. I’m sorry you had to witness that.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not. Not even a little bit. I’m glad you found the anger. I’m glad you let it out. Because keeping anger inside for too long will simply kill you, Natty.”
I shake my head.
“Pretending to be happy all the time is not how you should live your life, nor how he would have wanted you to live it.”
“Fake it til you make it, no?”
He shakes his head. “Not when I know what you look like when you’re happy. Or did you forget you might be able to fool a lot of our friends, but not me? I’ve known you since you were five. I haven’t seen you smile like you did when yourfriendshowed up at the store. You’ve had that true smile for the past few weeks, and I was wondering what had put it there.”
“Jake, I?—”
“You don’t have to explain to me or to anyone. It’s been four years, Natalie. You’re allowed to find happiness again, and not the one you fake for our sakes.”
“How am I allowed, Jake? Am I allowed to try to find love again when I already had it once? Isn’t that selfish?” My voicebreaks on a sob, making Jake stop the swing abruptly and stand in front of me.
“Listen to me very carefully. You are the opposite of selfish. You’re the most selfless person I know. You’re kind, smart, beautiful, funny, and deserving of being loved again the way Nick loved you. Youareallowed to have a second chance at love. You are not forgetting him, Natalie. He will always be a part of you.”
“Jake.”
“Loving Nick doesn’t mean you never get to choose anyone else again. He never wanted his love to make you, the realyou, disappear. He would’ve never wanted you to fade away.”
