I stay silent, afraid if I interrupt, he’ll stop.
“This shop. It’s not just an investment to me. It’s a way to do something I always should’ve done: honor her.”
My throat feels thick. I glance down at the table, tracing the edge of a sugar packet with my finger.
“I’m afraid,” I admit. “Because if this goes wrong, it’s not just numbers on a page. It’s a business and people on the line. If Holden and I don’t work out, are you going to pull funding? It’s a lot of moving pieces all jumbled up together.”
He nods immediately, understanding. “That’s why we should work with lawyers who can make sure all ts are crossed and the is are dotted.”
“Holden said you wanted the suite where the shop is.”
He shakes his head. “No.” He chuckles. “I thought it was terribly bad looking, but Brenda saw the possibility in it. What you’ve done to the place is incredible, beyond what we could’ve done. I just want to see it grow. For her.”
I sit with that for a moment, the weight of the past week pressing in; my girls, the anniversary looming, the steady ache of wanting something to finally work. Holden. This feeling, deep in my gut, that maybe this is the leap I’ve been standing at the edge of.
I look back up at him. “This is a Hail Mary, Jerry.”
His eyes don’t waver. “I heard.”
I take a breath, long and steady. “And I think…it might be the one I’ve been waiting for.”
Genuine relief washes over his face. “You mean?—”
“I’m in,” I say, heart pounding. “We’ll do it. Together.”
His happy nod tells me everything his words don’t have to, but he adds, “Good. Now, let’s eat so we can go talk business.”
54
ANGEL-VERSARY
How Do I Say Goodbye? By Dean Lewis • DtMF by Bad Bunny
Natalie
How many timeshave I passed by this swing and thought today would be the day I talked to Nick? The day I sit and finally tell him something.Everything. It definitely didn’t cross my mind that it would be today, but here I am, sitting on a swing that meant so much to all of us. These past few days have been hard, but after sitting down with the lawyer two days ago and getting the contract drafted, I felt better than ever. Then, today came.
Four years ago today, I got the worst call anyone could’ve gotten. My world turned upside down, and it has never been right side up again.
“Sometimes, I look at this swing and think about whether you knew this would remind me of life. Of you.”
A simple wooden swing, the best and worst metaphor for life. It goes up and down, and there’s very little control you have over it. Even when it stands still, a breeze might come and move itagain, unexpectedly shaking its foundation or even snapping it. Did you know that when you built it?”
I drop some homemade sweet tea on the grass. “I brought you your favorite. It seemed fitting that if I was coming out here to talk to you, it would be over drinks.”
I swing back and forth, resting my head on the rope. “You built this swing, remodeled the house, built this perfect life around you, and then left us. You left us here to figure it all out on our own. You left a Nick-shaped crater in our hearts, and it’s impossible to fill. You left us so scarred, it’s impossible for me to even think to reconstruct. To rebuild. How can I when I’m terrified it will happen again?”
I close my eyes, letting the air brush my cheeks. Birds chirp in the distance, giving this space serenity and calm, unlike the storm brewing inside me. “I know you did a noble thing, Nick. I know, but damn it if I didn’t wish we weren’t collateral damage. I wish you were here.”
I sniffle. “I wish I didn’t have to go through life like this. Doomed to miss you forever. Cursed to live between not wanting to forget you and the pain of remembering you.”
The first tear falls, silently rolling down my cheek. An example of how easily I can shut down the voices inside me, but I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to live and love again. “But how do I do that without feeling guilty, love? How do I move on when you can’t? When you never will? How can I tell another man I love him if I love you too? Who am I lying to? You, him, or me?”
It’s so unfair. All of it. And how terrifying it is that I can’t keep living like this, but if I move, if I take the step, if I leap, I might crash, I might fall, and then who’s going to pick me up? Who’s going to pick up the pieces and put them back together again? I don’t think I can do that again.
“What we had was so beautiful, Nick. Special and unique. A one-of-a-kind love. How can I even attempt to replicate that? I’ve spent years trying to earn the right to live again,” I whisper. “Like if I suffered enough, if I stayed small enough, just pretended, it would prove how much I loved you.”
My throat tightens. “I don’t know when it turned into punishment, where everything goes wrong, and I feel like my skin is going to come off at any given time.”
