Tears come again, mingling with the sorrow I’ve been keeping at bay, but they rise to the surface now, threatening to drown me.
“You don’t have to let him go, Natty, but you have to let the guilt go.”
Funny how he’s mentioning the same guilt I fought Holden so hard on letting go. “But—” I try to interrupt again.
“No, let me finish. Your heart is huge, and you are allowed to love someone else. You can love them both. It’s okay if you already do. You deserve love.”
I shake my head, but he holds it with both hands, not giving me a way out.
“He doesn’t live here.”
“People have moved for way less than sharing their life with someone wonderful.”
“He has no kids,” I add, knowing damn well that’s a weak excuse. Holden’s not only great with mine, but he said it himself, but he doesn’t need a biological kid to feel like he has them. He wants mine.
Jake smiles. “He was great with yours, from what I could see.”
“But Nick…”
“He would have wanted you to. If anyone knew Nick as much as you did, it was me. I’m telling you right now, he’s happy you found Holden. He’s happy you’re in love again.”
I draw a tiny whisper of sorrow in, a sharp, shallow echo of a sob I won’t let go. “How do we know that ghosts feel happiness?”
His brow rises higher than a skyscraper. “How do we know they feel anything at all then? If he can’t see you’re happy, then he can’t see you’re being consumed by misplaced guilt. And I just think that whatever happens after death is beyond either of those scenarios. I just think we owe it to them, to him, to live life to the fullest, because he never can again.”
My chest contracts briefly with pain and surprise. I never even thought about it like that before.
“What a waste of the life you get to live if you don’t open yourself up to love again.”
As if he can hear us, a tiny cardinal shows up, flying in front of us and landing on a branch above us. “See, he agrees too.”
I look at him suspiciously, and he chuckles. “What? You didn’t think I remember that’s his favorite animal?”
“So I’m not going crazy?”
“I mean, maybe a little, but I love you either way.” He opens his arms, welcoming me with a brotherly hug. “And judging by the way Holden looked at you and talked about you, I’d say he loves you too. Give yourself permission to love again. Live in fear but, what is it that Allie says?”
“Do it anyway.”
He kisses the top of my head, holding my shoulder and putting some space between us. “Sorry you lost your best friend, too, Jake.”
“It sucks, doesn’t it?”
I blink away the remaining tear. “It does.”
“But what a wonderful thing that we got to know him.” He wraps his arm around me and walks with me to the house, where we do what we always do every year on Nick’s angel-versary. We crack open his favorite beer and drink it in his honor, remembering him the best way we know how, between laughter, stories, and tears.
Eventually, Allie shows up with my girls, Cara and Alex in tow. We always take some time to be just us, the original group of friends, together since school, and remember him. We do it every year, even if it’s just as hard.
Bella walks into the kitchen, and we freeze. “Don’t you think it’s time I join in the tradition? He was my best friend too, you know?” she says before opening the fridge and pouring herself a glass of sweet tea. “Go on, continue, just keep it PG, please. I am his daughter, after all.”
“Long live, Nick,” Cara says, raising her cup,
“Long live, Nick,” our voices combine in unison.
The night goes by in a flash; eventually, Manny and Livie join us too. Nellie and Gus take today to do something they love. They go sailing or to a cabin they bought in Tennessee. Today’s hard for Nellie too, so I understand. But even though all of us are here, it feels like I’m missing someone, like the moment is not complete, it’s not whole, because one person I want to share this moment with is not here.
I’m missing Holden, and as if Bella can see it in my eyes, she says, “We should invite Holden next time.”
