She leaves a hand on her steering wheel but turns her body my way. “Don’t let this make you push happiness away.”
“I don’t have time for this, Allie.” I close the door and lift Vero out of the seat. She definitely doesn’t feel good, and I just want to hold her. “Thanks for taking care of her. Would you bring Bella when you can?”
Allie allows the space I clearly need right now by not asking questions and not pushing the issue before she drives away.
We take a shower together, letting the skin-to-skin contact and the warm water help regulate her temperature. My mom always says the biggest healing power comes from touch, so every time they’re sick, that’s all I want to do. I make her a carqueja, yarrow, orange, and chamomile tea, I’m sure she won’t drink, but I’ll bribe her either way. I even wrap a scarf around her neck, one of my mom’s old wives’ tales, just in case it works.
Bella gets home, and we all sit on the couch, watching cartoons for hours. I lose track of time except for when it’s time for Vero’s medicine. The day goes by like this—easy, simple, my girls and I, how it’s supposed to be.
“Mom, there’s a bag by the front door!” Bella shouts when she goes to take the trash out. She brings it to me, smiling like a little brat.
“Your boyfriend sent food,” she singsongs.
“I don’t—” I don’t finish the sentence, because if he’s not my boyfriend, then what is he? And I’m not in the business of lying to my kid, so in the meantime, I’ll table it for later.
She tosses a sandwich my way before handing me a note and a small tub of chicken noodle soup for Vero.
I didn’t know what else to do, but hopefully, this helps. Please call me if you need anything at all.
-Holden
Tears threaten to fill my eyes, but I don’t let them. I don’t have time to deal with the ticking bomb that is my personal life. Right now, all I need to be is their mom.
41
YOU’LL NEVER REGRET THE CHANCES YOU TAKE
The Whisp Sings by Winter Aid
Holden
“Why are you moping around?I don’t think I’ve seen you this sad since the funeral.”
I don’t know. Maybe because I haven’t seen or heard from Natalie in days. I don’t say that because he doesn’t even know who Natalie is. I want to respect her boundaries, so I won’t go to her house. I went to the bookstore yesterday, and Ellie was there, same as today. I’ve sent food to her house, but I don’t know what else to do, and it’s driving me crazy.
“I have a lot on my mind. I might cut our visit short today.”
“That’s alright, son. I have to work right after, either way.”
“How’s that going?” I still can’t believe he went back to work after not even wanting to attend his hemodialysis just a few months back.
“It’s going. Hard to find my footing, but I’m getting there.” He sighs. “It’s okay if you want to go. You know where to find me if you want to talk.”
I walk away, stopping before stepping through the curtains dividing his space from the others. It’s always quiet, so there’s either nobody next to him, or whoever is there doesn’t get visitors.
“Why didn’t you marry again?” It’s been bugging me since he explained everything. Maybe I’m a masochist, or just in the mood for suffering, but I ask the question, nonetheless.
“What was the point?”
That’s not the answer I was expecting. I turn to face him. “What do you mean?”
“I had the love of my life once and fucked it up. I didn’t think I deserved a second chance with anyone else.”
“But you know now what went wrong. Not that I’m saying it didn’t matter, because it did, and it affected more than you, but I’ve been thinking a lot about it. You were young, and you got help, so why not find love again?”
He considers me, searching for what to say. “And part of recovery is knowing what can trigger a relapse. Trying to find what I had with Brenda is going to be a helluva trigger, and as I said, there was only her.”
“Do you ever wish you could go back and do more when she left? When she pushed you away?”
