“This is all my fault. If I had charged my phone or stayed home last night, this wouldn’t have happened. I was selfish, so selfish, and now she’s in the hospital without me.”
She’s not really talking to me, just voicing her fears and feelings.
“It’s going to be okay.” I try to hold her hand, but she pulls away, the space between us heavy for the first time since I met her. The inside of the car is the same, but she’s placed an invisible wall between us.
“I was so naive to think I could have it all, but I can’t, and now, she’s suffering because of it.” These are her last words before stepping out of the car at the hospital, closing the door, and leaving me at a loss for what to do next.
40
TICKING BOMB
Carry You by Novo Amor
Natalie
A gnarly earinfection and a fever that wouldn’t come down. Even if it’s not that serious, it could’ve been worse, and I was an hour away from her because I was, what? Getting laid?
“I don’t even recognize myself anymore. This is not who I am. I’m a mother first,” I tell Allie, who’s been by Vero’s side since she brought her in. She gave me her hoodie too, so I could cover up.
“No. You’re not doing this. You’re not blaming yourself for missing this because you were spending some time on you. You deserve to, Nat.” She holds my hand. “Nobody wants their child to get sick, but this would’ve happened whether you went on a date or not. Please don’t blame yourself.”
“I feel so irresponsible.”
“Why? You came as soon as you found out. I should’ve known to take her in sooner, but sometimes, you need to give medicine time to work, you know?”
“You did everything right. I can’t believe I lost track of everything and let my phone run down. It will never happen again. Ever.”
The nurse walks in, handing me a stack of papers. “You’re good to go. We sent the antibiotics to the pharmacy on file.”
“Thank you,” I say, picking up a drowsy Vero.
“Can you take me home?”
“Of course. I’m this way.” Allie leads the way as I follow her with my sick child in my arms. Sitting in the waiting area, before we step outside, is Holden, who walks over as soon as he sees us.
“Is she okay?”
I nod. “An ear infection, but she’ll be fine. You didn’t have to wait here.”
“Of course I did.” He reaches for me, but I take a step back. “I can take you girls home.”
“No need. Allie will take me. I already called Ellie, and she’s opening the store today.”
He visibly swallows. “Do you need anything?”
“Nope.” He flinches at the coldness in my words, and I feel like such a bad person. There’s no reason to treat him like this over my lack of common sense, but this is clearly not going to work out. Our lives are so different. We live in two different cities, we have separate lives, and the biggest difference between us—I have two kids without the ability to have more, and he has none. My girls need me; I can’t do this.
“Call me later then?”
“Sure.”
“Bye-bye, Holen,” Vero whispers in a weak voice, and my heart breaks. Great, Natalie. You introduced them, and now you’re ripping them apart.
The drive to my place feels like a lifetime, because Allie and I don’t talk. She knows how much I hate the hospital. It’s full of death and sickness and sadness. I went in pregnant and leftwithout a baby. I went in married and left without a husband. I went in pregnant again and left without a uterus. I hate it with every part of my body.
“Hey, Nat,” Allie says, finally breaking the silence as we pull up at my place.
“Mm?”
