It was breaking for Miri, knowing she wouldn’t watch her babies grow up to do amazing things. She would never see her son graduate and follow his dream of playing professional baseball. She would never see her baby girl go to prom or walk down the aisle. Those were the simple things she had wished for her children.
A tear fell, and I glanced at Cutter. Eleni sat in the middle of the back seat, with her head resting on his chest and his arm around her. He caught me looking at him and didn’t smile. Even she wasn’t enough to keep his thoughts far away from the nightmare.
I signaled and turned down her road, driving slowly to give them a few more seconds of this bliss. When I pulled into her driveway, I put the car into park and pressed the button to unlock the doors.
Cutter exited and held his hand out for his girlfriend. I loved how much of a gentleman he was with her. I knew not to stare but couldn’t help it. He walked her to the front door. She rose on her tippy-toes, kissed him, and ducked inside.
I looked down at my hands when he walked toward the car. The passenger side opened, and he got in, sinking into the seat with a heavy sigh.
“She’s very nice,” I told him as I reversed out of the driveway. “I’m glad I got to meet her.”
“I like her a lot.”
“That’s good.” We got to the corner and stopped. The silence between us filled the car. I glanced at Cutter, who looked out the window.
“I don’t want my mom to die,” he said so quietly I barely registered his words.
“She’s going to fight and hang on as long as she can. The last thing she wants is to leave you and Nova.”
“Why didn’t she go to the doctors earlier?”
I’m asking the same question.
“I don’t know, Cutter. I imagine if she didn’t feel well, she pushed it aside because there were other things going on. It’s part of being a mom, I guess. You take care of kids, jobs, house, before you take care of yourself. It’s not like our bodies tell us the good, the bad, and the ugly of what’s going on inside of us. How many times have you ignored an ache or a tightness, telling yourself it’s going to go away? Lord knows, I’ve been exhausted at work, sometimes for weeks, and then I bounce back. I think it’s human nature to push aside the ‘I don’t feel well’ notion and go about our day because going to the doctor or the walk-in is a hassle.”
“And now it’s too late.”
I didn’t want to agree with him, at least not verbally, so I said nothing because yes, it was too late. Miri would need a miracle or an act of God to survive this. Even with treatment, it would have to be so aggressive and work immediately for her to have a fighting chance, and her doctor said that was unlikely. Too many cells to fight all at once.
“Cutter, don’t let these days, weeks, and months be filled with anger. Your mom doesn’t deserve to see it. Not on your face or mine. In private, we’ll rage.”
I pulled forward and drove back to the house slowly. As soon as I put the car in park, Cutter bolted from the car and ran toward the garage. I watched for him until he emerged. He started shooting baskets on the basketball hoop Miri had installed a couple of years ago. I left my headlights on for him.
“When you’re done, can you shut the lights off?”
“Sure,” he said as he took another shot. Either he would or I’d wake up to a dead battery. Looking back at my car, I sighed heavily. We hadn’t gone to pick up Miri’s car from the hospital yet and would need to do that tomorrow.
It didn’t escape my notice that he didn’t thank me. Honestly, I didn’t expect him to. He was already hurting, and at sixteen, there were enough emotions going on in his body; he didn’t need me to harp on him.
I paused on the porch and listened to the thud of the basketball when it hit the backboard and the swish of the net with each basket he made. Sports would be his outlet and hopefully help him grieve and heal. He would be surrounded by a coach who clearly cared for him and teammates who, I hoped, would have his back.
Inside, the earlier excitement in the house was gone, and left in its wake was the knowledge that someone we loved with our whole hearts was dying.
I leaned against the entrance from the hallway to the living room and watched Miri as she sat on the couch. She had the television on, but if I had to bet, she wasn’t watching it. I couldn’t imagine what was going through her mind. Hearing from a medical professional that you’re dying has to do something to your psyche. Every day, we wake up and live to die. It’s a matter of time for all of us. But for Miri, finding out she had an impending end date must have been screwing her up even more.
Clearing my throat, I made my way into the room, smiling at her as I drew closer. She tucked her legs underneath her, giving me the space to sit beside her.
“Dinner was fun,” she said, to which I nodded.
“It was. I’m glad Eleni could come over. She makes Cutter smile.”
“Among other things,” Miri said with a smirk.
I shook my head. “You were lovestruck once upon a time. I’m sorry, I mean twice.”
“And look where that got me.”
My eyes looked toward the ceiling, where I assumed my mom and Nova were.
