Was he waiting for an invite… or was there still something holding him back? Because if that was the case, I wasn’t sure I could handle any more emotional issues from the men in my life right now. Rook seemed to have come around from being a ghosting prick, but we still hadn’t talked and I didn’t know if that was going to be an emotionally draining conversation or not. And Myel… well the last time we’d talked — when I’d been transforming him, enhancing him for his fight with the troll, which felt like a lifetime ago — he’d been all uncertain and “I’m not worthy” and such. I couldn’t handle another man giving me mixed messages. All of this “I want you,but…” was getting old fast. I hoped Koar wouldn’t be like that, that he’d figured himself out, but I honestly didn’t know.
Luckily, he was the only one awake right now, so if I wanted to talk to him and find out exactly how he felt, I could.
And I really should do that… but first I wanted to tackle some of the other thoughts swirling around in my head. Because if I was going to get all uppity about the guys being immature, then I should make sure I wasn’t doing the same. I had my own issues with relationships, and perhaps I should figure out what I wanted before I talked to anyone.
So… what did I want?
With Myel, I wanted a bit more certainty and trust. I hadn’t talked to him since before his fight with the troll, but I’d sensed his emotions, and there’d been a lot of self-doubtand pain and confusion and a general sense of being lost. To be fair, he’d been Saldrea’s prisoner — and tortured to death, then revived — so all of those feelings were perfectly valid.
But still…
When we’d talked, he’d shared his fear that I would discard him once I was queen. And even when I’d told him I wanted him, he’d been concerned that my desires would change over time. He didn’t trust me to keep being me and not turn into another oppressive elf. And given the thousands of years of ingrained indoctrination in this world, I really couldn’t blame him.
We’d decided to take things one day at a time, to talk often and be open with each other, as terrifying a thought as that was for me.
And I guess that’s what I was hung up on. I was trying so damned hard to be open and accepting of him and tell him everything he needed to hear, but I didn’t always feel like I got that in return. Sure, he wasverygiving physically, and when I was near him the bond soothed me… but that was a passive thing. I wanted more active emotional support from him in the relationship.
I’d been forced to trust him, thrust into this world and our bond, but he didn’t seem to trust me to be there for him.
And despite barely knowing each other — we had only met two weeks ago — he’d already professed his love for me… and I hadn’t reciprocated. It sort of felt like he’d skipped to the end without doing the emotional work in between, while I was still stuck in the mire of overwhelming feelings.
Maybe if I committed fully, we could take a step back and actually get to know each other? It seemed backwards,but then, everything in this world was topsy-turvy, so that might just work.
Except, to do that, to commit, wouldn’t I have to love him? I still wasn’t sure I could say those words.
He’d done so much for me. He’d always been there for me. Ishouldlove him… right?
Yeah, that wasn’t how love worked. Not that I was any expert, but if I had to ask myself that question, then I had a feeling something was missing.
And as I lay there, thinking through everything Myel and I had been through, I realized exactly what kept me from giving myself to him. Myel worshiped me, and that was nice and all, but it wasn’t what I wanted in a partner. I wanted…a partner, someone who was my equal, who challenged me as much as I challenged them. I’d seen a lot of lopsided relationships in my time in foster care, and they never worked out.
But could Myel ever see me as an equal? He’d said it himself, I was an elf, a royal, and he was practically the lowest of the low in this world. I wanted him to step up, when this entire world had been keeping him down his entire life, and I honestly didn’t know if he could do that.
I sighed.
He was doing his best, and perhaps now that I’d defeated Saldrea, he’d start to see things could change and he’d change with them.
Or so I hoped.
Okay, one complicated relationship down, who was next?
Rook.
Sigh.
Never had I known a man who could make me want him so damned much while also infuriating me to no end!
He’d said he loved me in the heat of the moment during my fight with Saldrea. But… what did that mean? Is that what he wanted to talk to me about? Did he want to apologize and make up? Or had that been an “I love you, but I can never be with you,” and the talk was to break it off for good…becausehe loved me?
I’d never quite understood that, when I’d seen it in books and movies.
And the real question was: did Iwanthim to love me?
I had no clue.
The last time we’d talked — in person, not in my head — he’d said he was afraid of me because I was an elf. Had that changed? Had that been another lie in a long series of lies he’d told me?
Thinking about Rook gave me a headache.
