“Uhh…yeah…that’s great.” The man rubs the back of his neck. “Well…it seems you’re alright, so I’m gonna uhh, go…”
“Okay byeee! Nice to meet you kind stranger!” I call after the quickly retreating figure. “Alright, buddy. Do you have a family?” The kitten isn’t wearing a collar, and it looks pretty skinny. Maybe he’s a stray. “I’ve never had a pet, well, besides that fish I had in second grade, but he died after a week. Don’t worry though, I’m much more mature now and I’m sure I can keep you alive.”
Hmmm…what do cats need to stay alive?
“You totally like chips and queso, huh? Maybe I should call you Nacho!” The cat purrs, rubbing against my leg. He ate almost an entire plate of nachos. Yes, I know that cats need cat food and not just nachos, but he wanted to try them and who was I to deny him one of life’s simple pleasures?
“Kipper, what is that?” Tyson, my best bud, and roommate asks ashe comes through the front door of our apartment, spotting the fur-ball now curled up in my lap.
Tyson’s about the same height as me, six foot two, but where I’m all light eyes and light hair, he’s got deep brown eyes and buzzed brown hair. He’s also not as buff as me, but if you ask him, he’d probably say the opposite. We’re always competing over that sort of thing. It makes working together interesting, to say the least.
“It’s a kitten…duh?”
Tyson looks at me like I’m stupid, and I give him the same look right back. How does he not know what a kitten looks like?
“Kip, I’m aware it’s a kitten. I mean, what is it doing in our apartment, bro?” Tyson walks over slowly, like he’s worried Nacho is going to jump up and bite him.
“Crazy story, Tys. I woke up completely naked in an alleyway next to that bar we went to last night, Crave? By the way, thanks for ditching me, dude! Whenever you bail on me I get so wasted I end up stripping. You know I can’t get another public indecency charge. We gotta stick together the whole night.”
Tyson looks down at his feet, his cheeks reddening and his expression guilty. “I know but…there was this chick, and you said it was cool for me to go.”
“Well yuh, I said that at the time, but you know you can’t trust a word out of my mouth when there’s tequila involved!”
“You’re right, Kip. That was not a bro move of me. Bros before hoes, always.” Tyson reaches out his fist to bump mine in apology and solidarity. “Anyway, you woke up with your junk in the breeze…how does that equal you bringing a kitten home?”
“Right, right. So, after I found my clothes, minus the undies, you know how I love free-balling, I was walking home. When I passed that park, you know the one on Maple Street? Anyway, I heard a kitten meowing up in a big oak tree. I couldn’t just leave him there. So, I climbed up the tree to rescue him. Which was like, super brave, of me, seeing as I hate heights. But even crazier than waking up naked and finding a kitten in a tree, while I was saving little Nacho here, I fell from the tree from like forty feet up, dude. And I didn’t break a single bone! I think I’m a marvel of science, with super flexible bones.My neck was snapped all the way to the side, and my leg was bent sideways. But they just popped back into place!”
Tyson’s face drains of color as I explain my morning to him.
“Y-you fell from a tree?”
“Yep, sure did. But look at me! Not even a scratch or bruise!” I grin at Tyson. “I’m a medical marvel!”
“Yeah…you are…” Tyson chokes. “Errr..and you said that your neck and leg were bent at odd angles but they just popped back into place?”
“That’s what I said, yuh. Isn’t that insane, bruh?”
“Ah, fuck, dude. This isn’t good, Kipper. This isn’t fucking good at all.” Tyson paces in front of me, stopping to glare at Nacho every now and again.
“Dude, stop glaring at Nacho, you’re upsetting him.” That’s not entirely true, seeing as Nacho is still snoozing away on my lap, unaffected. It’s more that Tyson’s pacing and glaring is making me anxious.
“That cat is the reason you’re in this mess!” Tyson seethes, running his hands aggressively through his hair as he plops his large body down on the couch across from where I’m sitting with Nacho.
“What mess? I have no clue what you’re on about.”
“Fuck, dude. I fucked up. I fucked up bad, Kipper. I’m so sorry. But, in my defense, it was never an issue until that fucking cat came along!”
Tys is full on yelling now. Nacho startles at his booming voice, bolting from my lap to crawl behind me on the couch.
“Okay, you need to chill out and tell me what’s going on. Now you’re really upsetting Nacho, and me. This is not chill bro behavior.” Reaching around, I gently pat Nacho’s head to soothe him. Poor buddy has had quite the day.
Tyson huffs. “I don’t even know how to explain this. You’re going to freak out, think it’s fucked up, and maybe even think I’m losing it.”
Nacho peeks out from behind me at Tyson, hackles raised, and hisses at him before scrambling backwards again, safe against my skin. Nacho doesn’t seem to be a fan of Tys, and I can’t blame him with how nutso Tyson’s acting right now.
“Just spill it dude, you’re freaking me out already.” I’ve never seen Tyson act like this. Maybe he is losing it? “Do you need like, medicalhelp or something? Cuz I can take you to the doctor, or call an ambulance.”
“A doctor can’t fix this fucking situation, Kip.” Tyson eyes me, his expression wary and guarded. “Fine. Here it goes. You know how like once or twice a week, you and I go out and get absolutely trashed? Well, you get trashed. It’s harder for alcohol to hit me, and my body processes it too fast. Anyway, after going out, you always forget everything from the night before, right?”
