Her heart squeezed so hard she thought she might be having a heart attack. She put a hand to her chest and rubbed, tried to breathe.
“It’s hard on a man,” he continued hoarsely. “To be told you’re not really a man.”
“It was hard onme!” She grabbed his hands and yanked them away from his face, wanting him to look at her. “It was hard on both of us! But I didn’t blame you!”
“I felt like you did.”
“Oh my God.” She stared at him. “What did I…” Had she blamed him for their problems? She’d always felt likehe’dblamedher. Likeshewas the problem. She couldn’t get pregnant, and it was her fault they were even putting themselves through that, becauseshewas the one who wanted a baby so badly. When they’d found out it was Derek, she hadn’t blamed him for that…had she?
She put her fingertips to her eyes and pressed. The pounding in her head increased. Her fingers came away wet.
“So you went to other women to make yourself feel like a man again.”
“I wasn’t thinking about it like that. But…I guess that’s it. I’m sorry, Krissa. I truly am. I love you.” His voice splintered.
She shook her head. “I don’t think you do.”
“I do, Krissa, believe me, I do.”
“You wouldn’t do that if you loved me. And you wouldn’t have let me sleep with another man if you loved me.”
“That was…Christ. I didn’t realize what a mistake that was going to be. I just thought you two would…”
“Fuck?” She lifted her chin and raised her eyebrows.
“Well, yeah. I thought it wasa way to give you what you want, and I…wanted to…”
“I know. You wanted to watch. It turned you on seeing me with another man, didn’t it?”
His mouth a hard line, eyes shadowed, he gave a short nod.
“Did it ease your guilt? About screwing around on me? Watching me with another man?”
“Oh, hell, Krissa. I don’t…” The words tore from his throat. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
Her lips pursed and her eyes stung. It hurt to swallow.
“I saw the look on your face when Nate left this afternoon. You’ve fallen in love with him, haven’t you?”
“I don’t know.”
They sat there, silence building around them, the house dark and silent, the only sound the rasp of Derek’s breathing.
“How many times have you screwed around? I know of twice. Were there more?”
He shook his head.
“There must have been.” She remembered having this conversation once before in their marriage and him denying it. “Two years ago. I asked you then…you said no. But you were, weren’t you?”
He turned his head away.
“Derek. That was before we’d even gotten into the whole pregnancy mess. Did you even cheat before then?” Her voice rose to a squeak.
“No.”
“You did.” She leaned forward, determined to hear the truth. She set a hand on his chest and gave him a shove. “Tell me. Who was it that time?”
“I can’t.”
