“It’s not an affair.” He paused. “Okay, yeah, I’ve seen her before. But it’s not like we have a relationship.”
“Why?”
At first she wasn’t sure if he understood her question. He leaned back against the cushions, hands clenched at his side. She carefully set the empty glass down on the table in front of her.
“Why now? Or why, ever?”
“Both.”
He took a breath, blew it out. “I saw the look on your face today. When Nate left.”
“Yes.”
“You were…devastated.”
She couldn’t deny it.
She saw his throat work, saw his struggle for words. He ran a hand through his hair. “I knew then…” He stopped. “I knew we were in trouble.”
She let his words sink into her numbed mind. “We’ve been in trouble for a long time.”
He nodded, pain etched on his face. “Yeah.”
“I wanted to be mad at you.” She stared across the room. “I am mad at you. But…I slept with another man.”
“With Nate.”
“Yes.” She turned her head sharply. “Not with anyone else.”
“I know.”
“For a while, I thought maybe…it was the same thing. And I shouldn’t be mad at you because you were just doing the same thing I’d done.”
He was silent.
“But it’s not the same thing.”
Derek still said nothing.
“You didn’t really tell me why.”
He nodded. “Tonight—I needed someone. You weren’t there for me.”
She supposed that was true.
“The other time…shit.” He rubbed his eyes. “You know how hard this has been. Trying to get pregnant. All those failures. Every time, I felt like crap. You made me feel like I couldn’t give you what you wanted. Like I was a big loser.”
“I made you feel that way?” She sat up straighter.
“Hell, yeah. Fuck, I couldn’t get my own wife pregnant. I felt like I wasn’t a man.”
“The last time was the day we found out about your sperm count. You went to her…”
He nodded, closed his eyes.
“Why didn’t you come tome?” Her voice shook.
He covered his face with his hands. “I told you. You made feel like a useless piece of shit.”
