The good.
The bad.
The darkness.
Lilac
Irvin and I sit outside on the balcony, facing each other, my foot resting in his lap. He stares at me with intense sage-colored eyes. He smiles, then looks out at the darkening sky. It’s the first day of spring break. I’m excited. I needed a break from classes.
I continue to stare at him. I realize I want Irvin more than ever—more than the air I breathe. The way he’s obsessed with me. The way he loves me. Is this what I truly want? He uses people as pawns, and he hurts anyone who threatens him. It hurts that I attract men like him. Every man who wants me becomes completely obsessed with me. I don’t attract the nice men who come from good homes. I attract broken men—men who don’t care who they hurt to get what they want. There’s something monstrous that pulls me in. I’m supposed to run from them, but I run toward them.
Shame eats at me like a disease.
“I hate attracting men who become obsessive over me. This isn’t love, is it?” I ask, shaking my head at myself.
“Princess, you don’t attract obsessive men,” he says calmly, stroking my cheek. “You attract men who recognize power and want to control it.”
It all makes sense—why Emerson was fixated on me, why Irvin won’t let me go even if I begged him, why it feels like no matter what I do, I can’t get away from him.
Love doesn’t scare me. It’s this type of love that scares me. This isn’t normal love.
“That’s why I’m afraid of loving you,” I whisper, the wind blowing my bangs away. “What we have isn’t healthy.”
He massages my foot. “What we have is ours. Special. It might not be normal for most, but it’s normal for us.”
“If I hadn’t dated Emerson, I wouldn’t be with you.”
“No.” He pauses, his eyes narrowing. “You still would have been mine. You always had darkness in you, baby. It took Emerson to bring it out. You attract men who have darkness. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human.”
“Can I ask you an honest question?”
He smiles. “It never stopped you before.”
“Would you have pursued me if you weren’t attracted to my darkness?”
He smiles. “Yes. Because I love your soul.”
I kiss his cheek. I might attract dark men, men who kill. Men who do bad things, but it doesn’t have to go any further. I’ve already chosen my knight in shining black armor.
“What if we never work out? What if this marriage doesn’t work? What if I’m too broken or you go too far?”
His eyes widen. “It won’t. I promise you. We’re in this together forever.”
I study his facial expressions. A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth.
I wrap my arms around his neck. “I choose you, forever.”
Lilac
I sit up on my knees as I stare at Irvin. He looks so beautiful with his silver hair—and the tattoo on his face: a lilac plant, with the wordLilacetched above it. He had hissadtattoo covered up with my name.
I trace my finger over it. He flinches a little, but he lets me do it. It looks fresh.
He grabs my hand and kisses my palm. I smile on the inside.
“Is that why you left at the crack of dawn?”
He nods. “Yeah.”
