“Would you be able to if it were you?” I know it’s coming. I can feel it—you can feel these things.
All things in my life must hurt me at least once. It is Drew Ambrose’s turn. It’s the way of the world and no amount of crying and clawing against it will change the direction of my miserable path.
“I think we should break up.” There it is. I’ve been anticipating it since the day he left me in the market parking lot.
“Is that what you want?” I ask through a sudden onslaught of tears. He nods, pained, as if seeing me like this is killing him.
“I don’t know how to move past it. We’re miserable.”
I say nothing. Misery is so familiar to me, used to wrapping around me and keeping me warm, that I was willing to sit in it with him if that’s what he wanted. But it’s not—and he’s done—and once again I am standing alone at the edge of a skyscraper and it’s a vicious fall of my own making.
I know it’s selfish—I know it’s cruel—but I wish I was worth enough to him that he’d be willing to suffer right here with me. To climb up that ladder and stand on the ledge by my side. I’m a monster.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been standing here in this dorm, but Drew’s grabbing my hand, catching my attention with a sad smile.
“You should go see Felix. I really do want you to be happy, Benjamin. I hope we can reconnect someday.” He leads me out of the room and once I’m in the hall, shuts the door.
I stare at the wood—the room number. I look at my hands and flip them palm up and back down again. Over and over.
Then I’m outside on the grass and the air smells so clean here. How much of today actually happened and how much of it did I imagine? I can smell the flowers.
Just like Aaron’s pillows—his shirts, his skin. That sweet flowery scent that calms me and feels so much like home it’s almost terrifying. Could he fix this?
One blink and I’m standing in front of Aaron’s apartment door. I must have walked. I don’t feel real—not anymore. This new cycle of my life, I don’t know how to handle it.
Aaron. Have they made it home yet?
I’m standing in the living room, Aaron and Felix staring at me, mouths open in shock. I don’t remember walking in.
“Button?” Aaron calls, raising a hand to me from where he sits on the floor eating pizza with Felix. I stare at that hand.
It used to bring me so much happiness and so much pleasure. I’ve seen it grow, seen it strengthen. I was there for so many important stages of his life and I’m starting to wonder why—if I’m so important to these people—am I still so alone?
So I turn around. I can’t look anymore. The reminder of what I don’t have—that I had to hide. Drew was choosing me every day. Something not even my own parents did. Today was the last day he’d wake up and decide to want me.
“Bear.” I hear Felix. They’re still behind me, won’t move so as to not frighten me.
“Well,” what a loud sound it is when I speak. “It’s done.”
“What’s done?” I don’t know who just asked—but I’ll answer them anyway.
“Us. Drew and me. He has decided he doesn’t want me anymore. Just like Mom. Just like my dad.” It feels funny to me now—hearing it. Like an impudent child, I can’t expect the world to baby me every single time someone tosses me aside.
“You—”
“No, no. It’s okay. I can’t expect you two to pick me up every time I fall apart. To fix it. My life is a cycle—some parts I’ll learn to take care of on my own. I’ve grown up with you, in your home. But I’m not your family. Not really. No need to overextend yourself. It’s been a long day… I’m not even sure why I’ve come. Good night.”
I’m outside on the artificial grass in front of the apartments. The stars are coming out so nicely. It’s beautiful. I’m in that stage of breaking down where everything is calm and you can feel yourself on the precipice of complete rage and destruction.
I wish I would have hugged him more. He really wasn’t bad. He was just hurt. Really hurt. And I did it—I caused that hurt. There is never a completely innocent party. And if there is—it isn’t me.
“Did you walk here?” I can hear Aaron, but I don’t know where he is. I keep looking at the stars. Am I still standing?
“Yes. I think I did.”
“Benjamin—you can’t be alone right now.” I look forward and he’s in front of me. So fucking beautiful. Always has been, always will be.
“Aaron—the worst part about my mind is that every little thing I want to say is so unfair. It’s putting too much on someone else or hurting them. Most of my thoughts are unheard. I sit here and listen to them over and over because they have nowhere else to go, and in the end all I have to offer the world around me is a pretty face.” His skin looks so soft in this light.
