Oh my God—the blonde hair, brown eyes, lean figure. Okay, so he’s nothing compared to Benjamin. No green flecks in his eyes, no toned muscles, his hair wasn’t golden the way Benjamin's is, and he was definitely taller than him too. But she’s right. He’s like the taller, less attractive version.
“Holy shit.” I whisper. Amber shakes her head, staring me in the eyes with so much pity I want to smack her.
“You’re so fucked, Aaron.”
We’ve been home at least once a month since we came to The University of Arizona in August. It’s been really nice seeing Felix and my parents, and for the first two or three times I’d see Benjamin, too. He’d smile at me softly and we’d make small talk if we were alone. Nothing more, but never any less. I started to form this dangerous little bead of hope in my chest, one that told me maybe I could be close to him again—in any way.
Then, he stopped being there when I came home. Felix always said he was ‘busy’, but I could see the guilt in his eyes. He was lying, and he knew that I could tell. I didn’t push.
When Christmas came around, Benjamin was home and everyone acted as if he was never gone, never avoiding me. Including him. Amber came over, as well as Kayla. It was nice to see her again. She’s integrated into the family very well. Abouthalfway through the morning the doorbell rang and in walked Drew, a bit buffer—maybe even a bit taller. Except now that gentle smile he always wore, that soft gaze that constantly found its way to Benjamin, was replaced by one of observation, weariness. He glared straight at me when he saw me. Didn’t speak to me once—didn’t walk near me. And once he arrived, neither did Benjamin.
Surprisingly, when Drew left that night, Benjamin didn’t go with him. I followed Felix into his bedroom as Benjamin walked Drew out and asked him about it.
“Oh, Drew has to leave early to go to his grandparents.”
Benjamin came in a minute or two later, eyes a bit distant. When he saw the two of us, he put on a smile and walked in.
“Hey guys. What's up?” There was a beat of silence before I decided to just ask, because I’m an adult now and I’m not doing this running in circles thing with him anymore.
“Why did you act like I didn’t exist all day? And why won’t your boyfriend stop giving me death glares?” Felix coughed loudly as Benjamin's mouth dropped open.
“I have… something to do somewhere, I’m sure. Later.” Fe ran out of the room like his ass was on fire, but I was still locked onto Benjamin. He looked embarrassed.
“It’s really not—” He tried to explain away, an obviously fake smile on his face, his hands gesturing wildly.
“Don’t sit here and run me in circles, Benjamin.” He stopped immediately, like a child being scolded, and nodded at me softly.
“Okay.” His voice was so soft and quiet that I wanted to wrap my body around his and pour my warmth into him, even if it meant giving him my blood, my soul.
Benjamin walked closer to me, looking up at me with those big hazel eyes. They weren’t as radiant anymore. Not like they were in the den when they watched movies and tortured me, not like they were when he wiped my tears at my graduation. His messy golden hair wasn’t any different than it was before, but something about him looked pale. Like he was drained. What had happened to him? Was it still the aftermath of Ronnie?
“Drew doesn’t want me around you.” He stated, trying his best to hold my gaze. But for the first time, he was faltering. When he told me I could never touch him again, even when he told me he was dating Drew, he held his ground. But right then…
“What?” He flinched at the shock, the anger, in my voice. “And Drew gets to decide if I can see you or not?” Benjamin said nothing as my heart had cracked into a million tiny pieces. “Wow. Okay, Benjamin. I hope you’ve really thought this through.” I backed away from him, moving toward the bathroom, to run to my own room and hide.
“Wait, Aaron, please let me explain. I—” he tried to grab me then, and I pushed his hand away. He startled, holding his hand to his chest. He looked betrayed. It was ironic.
“No—go back to your little boyfriend and have him comfort you.” He flinched. “The next time you need someone to hold you, to make you feel protected, I sure as hell hope Drew can do that for you, because I won’t be the one to do it. Not again. Fuck, Benjamin!”
I turned away from him again, scared he’d see the pain there in my eyes. The embarrassment and the betrayal. I wanted him to have my anger. Nothing else. I was so tired of giving him everything I had and then being shoved around.
Benjamin's arms then wrapped around my waist, locking around me with his face buried into the back of my shirt. I could feel his breath—the hot tears soaking through the fabric.
“Benjamin, let go of me. Now.”
“No! I won’t! You won’t listen to me.” He was wailing like a lost child, terrified and so alone. “Please don’t leave me. I know. I know it’s not fair. But I don’t know what else to do. I had to tell him, Aaron. I had to tell him about that night. That night after the supermarket.”
It was right then that Drew’s glares truly made sense to me. Why he hated me so much.
“What does he know?” I questioned—I needed to know everything.
“He knows you’re the one who calmed me, who fixed me. He knows I asked you to stay with me that night, that I asked you to hold me until I slept, that I fell asleep in your arms. He…” His voice was so choked up, like he was struggling to push the words out for me. “He knows what I told you. That I wish it had been you.”
The world around me had shifted, like I’d walked through realities and ended up in one where I was always told the most ridiculous thing possible.
“You told him what?” I spun around, grabbing his face with both hands. I wasn’t angry—it didn’t matter to me who knew. I was sad for Benjamin. Like I had ruined something for him.
“I had to. I couldn’t stay with him and keep it a secret—it wasn’t right. I also told him the other stuff. How you guys are different and that… that sometimes I miss it and don’t know what to do.” I let him go then, walking away to create some much-needed space.
