College has been fun. I’m moving on and the world is bigger than me and the things I’ve seen. I take a deep breath and think it again.
My attention is drawn to the back of the room, meeting a pair of brown eyes staring at me from under blonde hair. He’s smiling at me shyly, drinking from a cup and nodding at whatever the girl next to him is saying. He’s dressed casually enough that I can’t tell if he’s affiliated with anything or anyone. I’ve thought about it—trying sex with a different guy. Finding out if thisneedin my body had nothing to do with Benjamin and everything to do with him being a man. Honestly, I think I would be relieved.
This guy is giving me bedroom eyes, a smile growing the more I stare back at him. He’s not much shorter than I am, but he’s scrawny—definitely not in sports. He’s handsome enough.
That’s how I end up at his apartment right off campus. I guess he’s at least a sophomore, even if he looks young.
He’s ripping my clothes off, kissing me sloppily. We stumble back to what I assume is his bedroom and he falls back onto his bed, pulling me down on top of him. I stop him when he tries to kiss me again.
“Wait, what’s your name?” He looks confused, like asking for his name is not a prerequisite to fucking.
“Uh, Connor Maccy.” Yeah, I didn’t need to know. The sound of his voice is not very pleasant—incredibly high pitched and entitled. Guess I’ll be in and out. I don’t respond, just put my mouth to his.
I thought fucking a guy for the first time would be revolutionary, a totally new experience—but it isn’t. Sure, it’s tighter than putting my dick in a vagina, but that was expected. Other than that, everything is the same. Only, Connor’s voice is grating and sex with no attachment is always kind of weird for me.
So, when it’s over, I Uber to the dorm and go to bed.
???
The next morning, I make my way to Amber’s room. She has no idea I have any interest in branching out sexually and I’m a bit nervous about telling her of my activities from last night. She opens the door for me, mascara everywhere, hair a mess.
“Don’t talk—I’m hungover.” She walks back to her bed and flops down. I follow, lying down with her. Amber tangles her legs with mine and I rub her temples to help with her headache. “God, I’m never drinking again. That guy?Great. I even got his number. But ugh, I feel like I’m dying!” I chuckle at her moaning. “How wasyournight?” She mumbles.
I take a deep breath, willing my heart to slow down, my hands not to shake.
“Amber. I have something to tell you.” she sits up when she hears my tone, wincing and putting a hand to her forehead. After a moment she looks down at me.
“What?” Amber looks concerned and full of love, just like she always does. Just like home.
“I… I slept with a guy last night.” Her eyes get so big I think they’ll pop right out.
“You’re serious?” I nod. “Oh my God, Aaron. Was it good? You were totally the top right? You’re not slinging that dick and bottoming,right? That would be inhumane.” I laugh, grabbing her hand and playing with her fingers—relief flooding me. I didn’t think she’d judge me. In fact, she’s already told me she’d love me if I was into guys. But it’s still… scary.
“Obviously I was the top. And it was… well it was sex. It felt good and just like the other hookups I’ve had since we got here, I got up and left when we were done.” She raises a brow.
“But?”
“I was hoping that it would be different. That it would explain why things with…” I stop talking and her eyes brighten with awareness. She smooths my hair back with her free hand.
“Ah. Aaron, I think we both know that it has nothing to do with him being a man, and everything to do with him beingBear.” I shut my eyes at the sound of his name, trying not to feel it in the very pits of my bones, the depth of my soul. “I think you were in love with him, A.”
My eyes shoot back open. I stare at Amber for a long moment, the honesty in her face, thinking about it and trying to digest it. Ithink of Benjamin—of everything that’s happened, of holding him, my hands on him, his laugh.
“Yeah.” Is all I say. We sit like this, in silence, for a long time before she speaks again.
“Well anyway, are you telling people, or is it a secret?”
“Eh, I don’t really care who knows. It’ll get out eventually either way.”
“That’s true. Who was it? That you fucked last night?” I shrug.
“I didn’t know him personally. His name was Connor Maccy.”
“Oh my God!” She smacks me in the chest, hard.
“Ow! What?”
“I know him—he’s in one of my art electives. Dude, you fucked the Walmart version of Bear!”
