“Oh, my fucking God. Benjamin, I’m sorry. I tried not to ruin this for you, but I did. I shouldn’t have let you tell me those things. I encouraged it—I—”
“You’re always finding ways to make my decisions your own, Aaron.” I stared at him as he stood there, shoulders slumped, eyes tired. “I’ll tell him that I won’t ignore you anymore—it’s not right. He’ll have to either forgive me or not. Okay?” I could feel his misery from several feet away. I was drowning in it. I wanted to grab him and run.
“Are you even happy anymore?” I asked, eyes narrowing. He gave me a soft, watery smile.
“Most days.”
And that was that. I didn’t see much of Benjamin after that night, but he really did have things to do. Swim season was ending and graduation was coming up, so most times I didn’t see much of Felix either. It was after that holiday trip that I decided to branch out—go to more parties. I hooked up a few times, went on a couple dates. Nothing ever stuck, but it was fun.
Now, lying next to Amber, I think she’s right. Nothing is ever going to feel the way Benjamin does—nothing will ever complete me the way he so effortlessly did. I love him.
“Do you think time could change that? Being in love?” I ask her after several minutes of silence.
“I think it can. But I also think that sometimes people can brand themselves onto your heart. And even when you’ve lostthem, they’ll still be there—wrapped around it and surviving off of every heartbeat.”
I wonder if Benjamin knows that my heart beats for him.
Chapter Sixteen
May 2019
Benjamin
When I looked into the future, I thought May was going to be the most exciting month of senior year. Boy, was I fucking wrong. Between graduation prep, finals, applying to colleges, and trying to spend time with Drew, I am exhausted.
I briefly remember Aaron complaining at the dinner table about something similar when he was a senior, and it makes me smile. The memories in this house will always haunt me in one way or another, whether they’re positive or not. Like how I sit by the pool and remember how many times Felix and I have fucked around out here in the past nine years. Or how I can’t go into Aaron’s room, or smell that clean, flowery scent, without wanting to cry—or laugh—when I shouldn’t react at all. But that’s how memories work, making you all melancholy and whatnot.
Graduation is here, and our childhood is wrapping up. My life is such a combination of misery and joy that I can’t tell if I’ll miss it or be glad I never have to step foot in Lancaster again if I don’t want to. Swim season ended, and the team sent me, Drew, and the other senior members off with a little party. Felix finished track in April, though he crieda lotwhen they sent him off. Kayla spent a significant amount of time in our den patting his back.
Drew eventually called me. At the beginning of August, about three weeks after my dad attacked us at the market, he showed up at Felix’s front door asking for me. He said he was sorry; he’d needed time. He’d never seen something like that, never experienced it, didn’t know what to do. But he loved me and wanted to stay together—that we could deal with it. Withhim.
So, because I couldn’t handle the guilt, I told him about that night in Aaron’s bed. He looked at me with an expression I’d never seen him make before. I didn’t recognize him: nose scrunched,brows furrowed, lips curled. His eyes held so much disgust, so much anger. I hated myself through them.
“So he bathed you? Naked? Why didn’t Felix just do it? Or his mom?” I didn’t know how to explain it in a way that would make sense to him, so I could only tell him the facts—exactly how it happened—and hope he didn’t abandon me.
“I was screaming and volatile. I was having a manic attack. I wouldn’t let anyone near me; I wanted to kill myself. The only person who could get close enough to calm me was… was Aaron.” Drew stared at me for a moment, then huffed, a cruel smile shaping his lips.
“So, of all four people in the room, while you were upset, the only person you could turn to was the guy you used to fuck?” I was startled; his cruelty threw me off a bit.
“I wasn’t upset, Drew. I was screaming to the only people I have that I wanted to die while my blood dripped onto the floor. It wasn’t like I stubbed my toe. And yes, out of everyone in the room, he was the one who calmed me.” My voice was calm, but I needed him to understand it wasn’t some small incident. He’d been there for the first half—why was he being like this?
“Right. So he stripped you naked and then what? Put you in Felix’s bed like a good boy and went to bed? I doubt it.” Drew scoffed, beginning to pace in front of me on the grass.
“No, he dressed me and laid me in his bed.” His gaze snapped to mine. Pure, unfiltered hatred.
“Then what happened, hm?” I took a deep breath and admitted to my crimes. Nothing could be worse than the life I already lived.
“I asked him to stay with me, to hold me till I fell asleep.” He was dragging his hands through his hair, laughing under his breath as he listened, eyes wild. “Drew, I said some things that night that weren’t nice or fair to either of you. But I said them, and I did mean them. But I did not cheat on you—unless you count sleeping in the same bed or hugging as cheating.” My back was straight as I tried to hold on to my dignity, my composure. I knew Felix had his window open, listening to every word. He was about to hear some unsettling things.
“I think whateveryou said is going to decide if I consider cuddling him to sleep cheating or not.” Drew sneered, glaring at me as he stopped pacing in front of me. I nodded.
“I told him I wished he had been the one to take my virginity.”
“What the fuck, Benjamin?!” I didn’t look away. I took my punishment, the anger in his eyes.
“I know. It wasn’t fair or nice to say.”
“Ha, but you—you’re saying you meant it? Great. Fucking great.” He shook his head, a hand over his mouth.
