“Yeah.” Is all I manage.
“Go to bed.” He says, laying back down and pulling me on top of him to lay on his chest.
“Okay, good night.”
“Good night, Button.”
I listen to his heartbeat, feel his fingers as they dance along my spine repeatedly, and drift away. As sleep is pulling me under, I’m thinking of Aaron and how much I hate him and how much I think I’d die without him.
My little blue bird,I think, even now forever enamored by him. He stiffens beneath me, but I’m already gone.
Chapter Fifteen
April 2019
Aaron
College is exactly what everyone has always said it would be. Lecture halls, shitty dorm rooms, running across campus at 8 A.M. because you forgot about a class and went out drinking the night before.
This is the time when youtrulylearn what time management and self-accountability is. No one is here to make sure you show up, to make sure shit gets done. Luckily for me, I’ve always been the responsible type of guy.
The dorm room isn’t great—two twin beds parallel to each other on either side, with a desk at the foot of it. Two wardrobes are set up against the wall closest to the bathroom.
Our suitemates, the two college kids next door, share the bathroom with us, each of us having our own entrance. It’s small and if you leave the door closed after a hot shower it’ll smell like mold.
But there’s a pretty good student store on the bottom floor, a cafeteria next door, and a whole floor dedicated to study rooms, a gym, a large communal kitchen, and a computer lab. So all in all, it’s not bad.
My dormmate is great—being in the same major as I am, English Literature, we became friends very quickly. Darian is on UA’s basketball team so he’s taller than me and ridiculously handsome with his cropped brown hair, big brown eyes, and dazzling smile. I’ve spent several nights putting in my AirPods and pretending I’m asleep as he stumbles home wasted with whichever girl he met that night. He’s a super nice guy though—very reliable. He’s the one who introduced me to Kade, another basketball player. He’s a redhead with a billion freckles and the sweetest little attitude, like a little mouse, even if he is six foot.
Josh is kind of a dick, but not to us so we let it slide most of the time. Our group picked him up during a party our first semester. He keeps his long black hair up in a bun most of the time, his sharp features always in a smug smile. He’s absolutely built, which is kind of wasted on a guy who doesn’t think anyone's good enough to come near him. Then there’s Angie, Josh’s sister, who is the polar opposite of her brother yet somehow his twin. She’s about half his height, but has his same thick, black curly hair and bright blue eyes. She’s the mother figure of the group—sassy and loving.
Amber got put on the floor above me but we’re with each other more often than not anyway. Most of our classes our first year are general education courses, so we snagged most of the same ones. Her roommate is nice, so we really lucked out there. Cammie’s a cute little Asian girl with short black hair and a pink stripe down the front. She’s incredibly fierce for someone so small, and she’s on some kind of boxing team or something. Needless to say, her and Amber get along great. Cammie introduced Amber to her best friend Jenna, a heavyset blonde with beautiful brown eyes to rival Darian. After mingling with our dormmates, we had one big group of friends and a wide range of personalities to hang around.
But in the end, it’s always me and Amber—just like it always has been.
Just like it is now as we stand in the living room of someone's house, another party one of the basketball players threw to celebrate the end of the season. We’re both pretty buzzed and playing the Wingman game. We try to get one of us laid and if we fail, it’s Waffle House and horror movies.
Amber’s long brown hair is curled around her waist, her blue eyes lined in black. She’s wearing a tiny, sparkly skirt and a top that I’m pretty sure is actually just a lacy bra. I didn’t do much other than make sure my curls weren’t sticking up to the sky, throwing on blue jeans and a plain black shirt. The best part of being a gym junkie, about working for as long as I have on building muscle, is no matter what I wear it probably looks good. The black shirt is alarge, but it still stretches tight over my arms and chest and brings attention to my eyes. I knew all that protein powder was going to come in handy someday.
We’re scouting the crowd, calling out party fouls and eyeing potential targets.
“Oh, she’s hot.” Amber points a manicured nail to a short girl by the kitchen entrance; her body supple and her face very delicate. Nothing inside of me stirs.
“Eh.”
“God, you’re so picky.” Amber rolls her eyes and continues to search.
I’ve been laid twice since coming to UA, and not until the second half of first semester. I was too… hung up. But eventually I moved on and now I’m just like any hot blooded nineteen-year-old guy. All it took was some soul-searching and some consistent distance.
It’s not that I don’t find the women Amber picks out attractive—I do, and I know if they got naked in front of me, I’d get hard and I could fuck them and probably enjoy it. But I don’t feel that excitement. The thrill I felt before, the all encompassing need that possessed me as I stared down at Benjamin and watched him as he came. Yeah, I’m super moved on.
I spot a biker looking guy who definitely looks older than he should be if he’s at this party, and I know he’s a good target for Amber. She’s the self-destructive type. I can’t stop her, so all I can do is be there for the fall out.
“Him.” I point, and she makes an appreciative sound.
“Alright, A, I’m taking it. Have fun tonight! Go find Darian, okay?” I roll my eyes, shooing her away.
“Alright, alright.” I watch her walk toward her mystery man and drink my beer.
