I lay him down and let him curl up at my side. Then—I wrap myself around him until he feels protected—shielded, and he falls into more fitful sleep.
???
Benjamin seems to be regressing. He’s startled more and more and won’t leave the house now. With the damning evidence, Miss.I’ll-Never-Get-Caughthas been arrested—now awaiting sentencing.Yet Benjamin still won’t leave the house. He has a hard time eating all three meals and spends most of the day staring at me—asking me if he’s damaged now—crying. My heart is broken, my soul mourning for him.
Felix is here now—trying to visit and cheer him up.
“I brought pizza!” Felix yells, holding it up to Benjamin who sits on the couch.
“Oh, okay. Thanks.” He says, offering a small, fake smile.
“Bear… It’s not good being locked up in here. Let’s go to a karaoke room or something!” He looks away from Felix—back to the TV that plays nothing.
“He isn’t getting better?” Felix asks me quietly. I shake my head. “Let me try. He always loved when I held him after stuff with his dad.”
“Ah Fe—I don’t…” But he’s walking away, already approaching where Benjamin sits.
“How about some cuddles, Bear?” He leans down to wrap his arms around his shoulders. I see the moment Benjamin realizes what’s happening. He springs up—climbing onto the back of the couch, leaning against the wall.
“Aaron—Aaronplease.” He’s crying again. I’m over there in a flash—moving Felix to the side and putting a hand out for him.
“I’m right here, Button. It’s okay, it was too soon. Another time, yeah?” He grasps my hand quickly and climbs down—standing on the seat of the couch, leaning over to cry into my shoulder.
“I’m sorry—” he’s saying, trying to get it out through broken sobs. “I’m so sorry.”
An hour later I’m sitting on the couch with Benjamin asleep in my lap—face shoved into my neck. Felix sits a respectable distance away.
“So… he doesn’t likeanyonetouching him. Not just women.” Felix states—a bit hurt but mostly extremely concerned.
“Yeah. It started a few days after we got home and now he pretty much only lets me touch him.” He looks over at the sleeping boy in my lap and sighs.
“That’s not healthy.”
“He knows. We talked about working on it. It’s just… hard. And I’m not really sure what to do.” If I’m completely honest, I spend most of the time Benjamin’s asleep throwing up or calling resource centers. Nothing has really helped—other than finding trigger phrases or words tode-trigger him. I’ve learned that Benjamin’s are as listed: Button, I’m here, baby, I love you—and weirdly enough—come here.
“Have you considered readmitting him?” My arms tighten on reflex around him. “You have to let go of him if he needs help, Bub.”
“No—I…I don’t want him to feel abandoned. If they rip him away from me right now, he’ll freak the fuck out—I… I can’t leave him to suffer without me.” Felix watches me for a moment—considering my words before nodding with that sad, sympathetic frown.
“Okay, whatever’s best.”
Two days later, I can’t get Benjamin to eat. It’s 5 P.M. and he’s had water.
“I’m not hungry, Aaron.” He says, laying down on our bed, my shirt rolled up and held against his chest.
“I know—but you have to eat to live. Please eat something.” He looks at me where I stand over him and shakes his head. “Benjamin.” I’m using my stern voice. “Youhaveto eat. I will not let you die.”
And now I’ve made him cry.
“I’m sorry—” He’s sitting up in bed. “I’m sorry. I’ll eat. I’ll eat maybe some crackers, okay?”
“Aw, baby don’t cry—please. I’m not mad. I’m worried.” I sit next to him and let him shove his face back into my neck—where he always wants to be lately. “Here—let’s get some crackers then we can lay in bed,and I’ll tell you about more crazy stuff me and Amber did senior year.” Benjamin sniffles against me, nodding.
“Okay…”
He eats six saltines and as I’m laying back into bed with him—watching him wither away—I consider Felix’s suggestion for the first time.
???
