It’s been a month since being discharged from the hospital and Benjamin has stopped speaking. When I woke up this morning, I thought he was just having a rough start, but it’s becoming apparent that is not the case.
“Button—talk to me—please.” I plead with him, holding his hand as he sits on the couch. He stares back at me, so much pain on his face. “Baby—come on. One word.”
All he does is shower, brush his teeth and sleep. I’m lucky if he eats more than some crackers and drinks some milk after some convincing. He doesn’t want anyone in the house—doesn’t want to leave.
That girl—Cameron Yuinez—was sentenced to five years. Benjamin did not react to the news at all.
“Benjamin. Talk to me.” I try my serious voice—I’ll try anything. A few tears roll down his cheeks, and he lays down right there on the couch. Says nothing. Sighing, I pick him up and take him to bed—laying there with him. “I have to go back to work and class tomorrow. I could only take leave for so long.” Benjamin nods. “I’ll have Felix come over.”
He shakes his head, pressing his forehead to my chest. I feel him wrap his legs around mine—his arms around my waist. He’s trembling. He’s cold. I hold him tighter.
“What else am I supposed to do? I can’t even call—you won’t speak.” Hot tears begin to soak my shirt, and I can hear his thoughts from up here.I’m a burden to him.“I love you, Button. Don’t start thinking anything else.” I consider our options for a moment. “Okay—I’ll FaceTime you. Thatway I can see you’re fine. And you have to eat something when I get home. Is that a deal?”
Benjamin nods against me—letting me slide my hand under his shirt to rub his back. His fingertips are drumming an off-rhythm beat onto my back.
“I miss your voice, Button. But even still—you’re doing so well. You’re fighting and that’s already enough. I’m proud of you. I really am.” His hands unwrap themselves from around me and grab my cheeks—bringing my face to his to give me another one of those soft, gentle kisses. I never move, never press back. I don’t want to scare him. He pulls back to look at me then kisses my cheek—my chin, my forehead, my nose—and my mouth again.
I think he’s apologizing.
“I forgive you.” I tell him. “Ignoring me is a small offense anyway.” I crack a smile, enjoying his fingers running through my hair.
He rests our foreheads together and sighs—pulling himself even closer still.
???
Benjamin answers my FaceTime calls when I call him—he eats crackers when I get home—but he does nothing else. He hardly even looks at me. We’ve been doing this routine for a week now and I think maybe him being alone is really bad for him after all. I’m starting to look into recovery centers for victims.
Benjamin’s sitting on the couch, staring at the black TV when I get home. Kneeling in front of him I grab his hand, but he doesn’t hold mine back.
“Baby? I’m home.” He looks at me for a moment—blinks and looks back at the TV. “You won’t talk to me still? Really won’t look at me?” Nothing. Maybe this is my punishment for failing him. He’s here with me—but he’s not—not really. “Please.”
My phone buzzes in my pocket and I see my mom calling—most likely to check up on us.
“I’ll be right back.” I tell Benjamin, heading to the bedroom. “Hey, Momma—what’s up?”
“Aaron.” She sounds serious, sad, like she’s been crying.
“Felix? Is he—”
“Ronnie.” She gasps a bit—like she’s catching her breath between sobs. Everyone’s always crying around me.
“What about him?” Maybe she found out I beat the shit out of him and is upset with me. Oh well.
“He killed himself.” Once again everything around me seems to freeze. Her voice sounds like it’s coming from underwater. “He was found in the home. Shot himself in the head.”
“Oh my God.” My hand covers my mouth, tears filling my eyes. Not for Ronnie—but for Benjamin. Apparently, Mom is on the same page.
“Our poor Bear… he has no family now. Both parents’ dead. Aaron—Little Bird—baby—you have to tell him. I know right now is the worst timing but if he finds out on his own it’ll besomuchworse.” She’s right, I know she is. But fuck. Fuck! How can I do this to him? How can I fuck up his world even more?
“Okay.” I whisper.
“I love you, baby.”
“I love you too.” I hang up the phone, slowly walking back to the living room.
I have to look at my boyfriend who is already not dealing well with being assaulted asecondtime and tell him his dad killed himself in the same house his mother killed herself. If I throw him in the truck now and drive away—never turning back—would that make everything easier? Would he be happier? I get no warning before I’m forced to break Benjamin’s heart even further. I’m just pushed out onto the ledge.
Benjamin is in the same spot I left him in. I retake my spot kneeling in front of him, taking a deep breath.
