“What do you need?” We walk into his living room.
“Something strong. I don’t care what.” He’s laughing.
“Okay, well we just got this. It’s some kind of blend but the guys say it’s tough as shit and theyflywhen they take it.” He holds out a baggie with a couple red pills inside.
“How much?”
???
It’s 6 P.M. when I sneak into my own apartment. I spent a lot of time today trying to clear my head. I need to get through the next two years—get Mom’s ashes, and then I’ll be done. I’ll be leaving. I don’t care how and I don’t care who tries to stop me.
That’s why I had to leave Aaron. I don’t want him to hurt—to see it all. I’ll leave Felix too when the lease is up.
I take two of the red pills. I haven’t eaten today.
I miss him. I know he hates me now. I know he must. I touch the bandage—feel the depth of his love in the wounds on my flesh. I’ll take all of his inflictions—all of his scars to the grave. I’ll devote my love to him until the day I die.
Aaron, I will never love someone else—this is true. I never lied about that. Your hands will be the last to pull me apart—your voice the last to whisper in my ear. You made love to me and now I can die with that engraved into my soul. That somebody loved me enough to do it.
An hour later and something’s wrong. I can’t tell what, but something is wrong. I run to the bathroom—try to shove my fingers down my throat, but I’m too late. The dizziness is in and out. I can feel my skin freeze over—shining with sweat. And I know—I know before I fall.
I’m dying right here in my bathroom. Well fuck. This wasn’t the plan but honestly, I’m kind of relieved. No more waiting—it’s here. I didn’t get to save Mom, but it is what it is. I’m choking but I’m not sure on what and I feel so weak. I can hear the front door.
I finally feel the panic.No—no, no—Felix—go the other way. Don’t see this. Please.
I should have shut the bathroom door. I’m convulsing.
“Bear? Are you ho—what the—BEAR?! FUCK. HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!” He runs to me. I’m in and out. Can’t he just leave me be? “Yes—I found them—they’re red. Okay. Thank you.” He’s sobbing over me—he’s holding the combo drug. When did he find those? “Please, Bear. Please don’t die.” I can’t promise you that, Fe. You knew this was coming.
“Aaron—Aaronplease. He’s dying! Bear’s dying right in front of me! Help me!” I think he’s on the phone. I can hear sirens—I can really only move my eyes, just like that night at the party. Huh.
But my mind is surprisingly calm. Why did he call Aaron? I didn’t want him to see. Neither of them.
Someone is injecting me with something—there are so many lights, everything is quiet. I’m ready to go. I’m sorry Felix—I couldn’t say goodbye.
???
When I open my eyes it hurts, so I shut them again. I can hear the beeping of electric monitors, so I imagine I’m in the hospital. It alsosmellslike a fucking hospital in here. I try to open my eyes again.
The ceiling tiles are ugly to look at but they’re better than whatever’s waiting for me when I address the rest of the room. I’m not sure who’s there but I know I don’t want to seethem. I want to die. I was so close, it was so peaceful. Even when I was cold, even when I was convulsing. Now that I’ve gotten so close—two years is too long.
I’m scared Felix is here. I keep seeing his face—that terror. Hearing the screams.
I look around the room. Sure enough—Felix, Amber, and Aaron are all here. Felix notices my eyes first.
“BEAR!” He’s running to me—laying on top of me and I huff—trying to breathe. “Sorry, sorry.” He’s sniffling, moving to lean over me. “I was so scared, Bear—you were dying. You looked dead when they took you from me. It’s been two days.”I say nothing, do nothing.
What is there to say, what is there to do?
“Hey—Cutie—what the fuck is your problem?” It’s Amber and she’s mad. Good—that’s better than pity.
“Amber.” Felix warns.
“No. You keep doing stupid shit and hurting the people around you. Grow the fuck up. We can’t take care of you forever. Get over your boyfriend or—”
“Get the fuck out! Now!” Aaron’s standing—pointing to the door. “If all you’re going to do is shit-talk him then why the fuck are you here? Shut up or leave, Amber, I swear to God.” Nobody moves. Amber’s eyes are full of tears as she slowly sits back down, closing her mouth.
I look back up at the ceiling.
