“Please talk to me.” Felix pleads, staring down at me. “I need to know you’re okay.” I can’t seem to open my mouth. I can’t lie to him.
“Button… baby?” I sit up—or well—my body reacts to Aaron’s voice and I sit up. Felix jumps back and my eyes seek Aaron out. He’s moved to sit at the right side of my bed, and I look at him. At his fucked-up hair—his red eyes, his bloody knuckles. I reach out a finger and touch one of them where they sit on the bed next to me.
“Are you okay? What happened? Why did you leave my apartment?” The straight agony must show on my facein response to his question, because his expression changes to one of panic. “Button—it’s okay, we—”
“Aaron.” My voice is raw and seems to startle him. He leans in closer—just a bit.
“What? What can I do for you?”
Silly little blue bird. My beautiful little blue bird. I can feel the tears as they gather. I can feel the sad smile as it takes hold of my mouth.
“You should have let me die.” I lay back down so I don’t have to see his face.
He’s not there when Tina and Greg admit me. Neither is Felix.
Chapter Thirty
February 2021
Aaron
“Aaron—Aaron please. He’s dying! Bear’s dying right in front of me! Help me!”
Ishoot up from where I’m laying on the couch—an episode of a random reality TV show playing across the room. My skin is covered in a cold sweat, and I can’t seem to catch my breath. The white shirt I’m wearing is stuck to my skin and my cotton shorts are twisted around me awkwardly—as if I’ve been in some kind of struggle.
I hardly ever sleep through the night. I hear Felix screaming for me—I hear Benjamin telling me he loves me. I hear him tell me I should have left him to die.
“Okay. Okay, my Aaron. My darling God.”
That was the first time Benjamin Dickinson had ever lied to me. He did not let me love him—did not let me help.
Memories of that night—of the time we spent together plague me now. I can’t figure out how much was genuine and how much of it drove him to overdose. How did I not notice? How could I not tell he felt so forced? I was his one safe person. Now he feels all alone. Fuck—it’s always me. Always all my fault. I can’t stop crushing him, I can’t stop spiraling.
I can’t eat—I can’t go out—even seeing Felix is hard. We haven’t talked too much either. After Benjamin was admitted I told him how upset I was about Drew still being in their band. Apparently, Benjamin never told him about the cheating. He thought they had a mutual breakup. I imagine it’s because Button was embarrassed. He didn’t want everyone to know.
But he told me.
And I betrayed him. Felix didn’t notice the cuts either. Now things are awkward—but while it’s not because I’m mad athim—now it’s more because Benjamin has been home for a month so I can’t go around there and he doesn’t leave Fe’s side much. That’s good. He needs that.
So, Fe sends me texts about him, and I live off of those—barely leaving my house. I take classes online and just barely skate by. I feel like I’m not even functioning most of the time.
He ran from me.
I told him I loved him—dug my teeth into his skin till I felt bone and buried myself so deep inside of him I thought I’d never find my way out. And he ran. I’m a fucking idiot. Of course he would. He’s a recovering addict—a rape victim, a survivor of parental abuse.Andhe just found out his relationship of several years was a sham. I just had to decide right then was the perfect timing to lay claim and rip him to shreds. Tomake loveto him. Pathetic.
“I love you. I worship you.”
“Where else would I go?”
I need to get his voice out of my head—need to turn it off. But if I do, all I’ll have left are the socks he left behind and the blue bird I now have tattooed along the right side of my stomach and over my ribs—over the scars he left me. If I can’t have him—if we’ve been doomed from the beginning—I’ll at least take this. I’ll carry this with me everywhere I go—this little piece of him, of us.
Because I’m just that kind of man. I can’t let go. Not really. I can let him walk away if it means he lives—but I’ll never let him go. He’ll always live inside of me, my heart will always beat for him.
Benjamin and I have circled each other for years—been in our own orbit, touching and confessing in a slow—painful dance. How could I ever forget? How could I ever love anyone else?
Someone knocks at my door. Tapping my phone screen, I see the time is 9:21 P.M. It’s probably Amber with more pick-me-up pizza.
She comes a couple times a week and I debate ignoring her—but she knocks again. I walk to the front and swing open the door with every intention of turning her away thistime.
