“Why is it so important, Bear? It’s just drugs.” Of fucking course. I laugh at him—a little vicious.
“Ha—of course. I very frequently forget that out of all our little friends I’m the only one who knows what this feels like—to want to die. Who can’t fuckingbreathewithout those drugs. You don’t get it—you never will. None of you. Give them back to me or it’ll get bad. I’m serious.” Felix takes a deep breath.
“If you tell me what pushed you to do Oxy, I will give them to you.” Oh,come on. I can’t catch a break. Fuck, fuck.
I clap once—loud and hard, right in front of my face. It startles everyone else but it wakes me up—gets my blood pumping and the drugs working again. It’s okay, everything’s fine. I smile.
“Alright, boys.” I look between the two of them and can’t help the little chuckle that leaves me at their concerned faces and little black curls. Those green eyes. “My little Archer boys are always coming to rescue me—poor little Benjamin. Well poor little Benjamin couldn’t move his body. He could only stare at the ceiling and cry and cry.” I’m laughing but it also kind of sounds like I’m gasping for air. Aaron stands very slowly.
“What?” He whispers. I can’t look at him—can’t handle the shame I feel pouring out of me—so I find an interesting spot on the floor and smile at it.
“Mhm—oh yeah. I could feel it most of the time—up until the end. My body gave me a reprieve and turned it off. She didn’t care if Ibeggedand when I screamed and screamed no one came for me before her hand was over my mouth and my body was lead. Not a single person in that fucking house.GOD FUCK!”
I clap again—kick-start, deep breath. My smile returns.
“Bear—are you saying you were raped?”Felix sounds petrified and I wave a hand at him, looking up to face him.
“God, no.Seriously? You’re a man—you should be enjoying it. That’s what she said. So I guess not. Or maybe I’m just not much of a man. I just cried and screamed and stared and thought to myself—when will this life end? Why does everyone want to hurt me? And no one ever came for me. No one could stop her.”
I turn to look at Aaron. He’s crying silently. Motherfucker.
Clap—breath.
“Aaron—you’re crying? Why? Was your merchandise damaged?” He’s shaking and he looks at me so sad—so distant. “I don’t get why you won’t let me be happy, but you won’t let me die either.”
“Button—” I spin, slamming my fist into the wardrobe door. The whole thing shakes—my knuckles splitting open, blood all over my hand, the door. I laugh. A frenzied, relieved laugh.
“Haa!” I look back at the others—in awe of my new accessory. “Hah. I felt that.” I stare at the wall in front of me—between the two of them. After a moment I speak again. “I remember what she smelled like—the color of her underwear. I remember leaving Drew to go get some air and then she found me. I think she drugged me. She told me her favorite thing about college boys is it doesn’t matter how fucked up they are—they’ll get it up.”
I’m laughing again, but I’m also crying which is weird. I haven’t cried since I started my medicine.
“And guys—Idid. I kept wanting to throw up but I was scared I would choke on it. I was scared that if she forced me to come that it would hurt. I wasactuallyscared of dying. For the very first time. And I was terrified of that little girl. My skin didn’t feel like my own anymore. God—I need out of this body.” Clap!
My eyes bounce between the two of them and they’re pleading—begging at least one of them to understand. Understand that I know what happened—what my body said—butI didn’t want it.
“Bear, we need to report it.”
“Yeah?Hey,officer! I was underage drinking when a girl half my size drugged me—a grown man—and forced me to have sex with her. Help me! By the way, it’s been two weeks and I have no idea what she looks like.” I give him a blank stare. “Think that’s gonna work, Fe? If this happened to you, would you not feel embarrassed? Small?Pathetic? Worse than it being that she was a girl—or that I cried and screamed—is that I always do that.”
I run a finger over my bloody knuckles, look at the blood on the door. I look down at my own body—is it mine anymore?
“I always… end up on that end. With Dad, with that guy outside of the arts building, at the party. I’m always—” I sigh, slumping back against the wardrobe. “Such a scared little boy.”
“Bear—listen. It’s not your fault. And no one needs to know, okay? We’ll help you through this and then you’ll feel better.”
I’m just staring at him because he doesn’t understand that these things aren’t just “worked through.” I’m fucked and I have no choice now but to play by his rules.
“You’re not giving those back—are you?” I ask him, already knowing his answer. He shakes his head. “Yeah, figured. Better prepare then. I haven’t been sober since the morning after. Shit’s about to get real fuckin’ bad.”
Slowly, I slide to the floor, and I don’t fight him when Aaron comes and pulls me against him.
There are parts I don’t remember. He holds me through most of what I do. When I’m crying and throwing up. When my temperature skyrockets and he sits with me in a cold shower fully clothed. At some point we end up at his apartment.
Felix comes by and force-feeds me bread—crying by my side and watching me when I actually do get to sleep. But most of the time I’m awake, staring at the floor.
The Archer boys share the responsibility of my withdrawals and that guilt makes sure to wedge itself deep within my heart.
“Want to know what kept circling my mind while I laid there and cried after she left?” Aaron’s brushing his fingers through my hair, sitting in front of me on his bed.
