“Hm?”
“Worthless whore.”
“Benjamin—no.” He grabs me, cradling me in his lap and I begin to sob again. And of course the sobbing fucks with my already finicky body and I need to throw up—so he rubs my back as I do.
When I’ve been here for what might be one day or three, it’s time to shower. But a “clothes off” shower. I haven’t gotten fully naked since that night—not sober.
In his bathroom Aaron pulls my shirt off gently—and as he hooks a finger into the sweatpants I’m wearing I tug at his sleeve.
“Benjamin?”
“Aaron—I...” I can’t look at him—can’t face the embarrassment—so I stare at his chest. “I can’t do it.”
“Huh? Do what?” He pushes the hair off of my forehead but doesn’t make me look at him.
“I haven’t—um—been naked. Sober. Since then. And I can’t do it. I don’t want to see.”
“Fuck.” It’s so soft and sad—just barely audible. He pulls me against him and just holds me. Let’s me stay there until I stop shivering. “Can you… could you do it blindfolded?” I meet his eyes—look at him for a long moment and yes. I could. I could let Aaron blindfold me and fix it. Only him.
So, he wraps a necktie around my eyes and resumes taking my clothes off. The sweats are gone—he’s touching my briefs.
“Wait—please wait.” He freezes. I can’t see myself exposed to the world, but I need to know it’shimI’m so defenseless to and no one else. “I… just please talk… so I know it’s you.” Aaron rests his forehead on my thigh for a moment.
“Well—there was a time back in 2017 when I first started to feel… sexually attracted to you. And it scared me, but I thought about it all the time—so I would avoid you at all costs. And your dumbass would just run right up to me.Aaron this—Aaron that. Like my own personal purgatory.” This startles a laugh out of me. “Iused to wonder if maybe you knew—if maybe you were playing with me because you knew you could.”
“Really? That’s ridiculous—how could I have known?”
“It was—but what did I know? I was just a dumb kid.” I can hear the smile in his voice as he pets my head. “Ready to shower?”
“Wait—you’re done? I’m fully naked right now?” I didn’t notice my feet leave the floor over the soft brush of his fingertips.
“Yes.” Suddenly I can feel my heart in my throat—my whole body trembles.
I know it’s in my head—I know. But now my defenses are down and I’m all exposed. My armor’s all gone and fuck—maybe I can’t do this after all.
“Ah, okay. Uh… Aaron, maybe—” Aaron’s hands slip around me—trailing up my spine and into my hair at the base of my neck. My hands fall onto his biceps when he pulls me against him.
“It’s okay, Button. I’ll do everything. You just listen to my voice and feel my touch, okay? You’re safe here—here with me.” Ahh. Okay. His touch—his voice. I can handle that.
“Okay.” I whisper.
Aaron talks me through the shower—telling me about memories from when we were growing up or stuff he did his first year of college. I let my mind feel his hands all over me—let my mind imagine him doing it. And God do I hate him—but I think maybe I really am still in love with him.How fucked.
When I’m out and dressed, Aaron removes the tie. It looks like he’s been crying.
“Aaron?”
“Hm?”
“I want to hate you so badly. You’re a mean liar.” He frowns, pressing his forehead to mine.
“I know, baby.” His lips touch my nose softly.
“I just want to stop hurting. I think I’d do anything just to stop this hurting.”
It still feels as if the worst of the comedown is yet to come—but the Archer boys don’t leave me alone.
Chapter Twenty Five
