Bel was wrong.
None of the kids cared about the sushi.
None of the kids cared about the petting zoo.
They didn’t care about the outdoor spa, the bouncy castle or even the real castle. The moment they saw us, they ran straight for the water and the only thing that glistened more than the glitter on their bodies was the violence in their eyes.
‘Oh hell no,’ Bel yelled as they splashed their way towards us, all grabby hands and screeching voices. ‘You donottouch the tail.’
I watched from my perch up on the rock, helpless as they overwhelmed her, one arm rising out from under a swarm of swimsuit-clad kiddies.
‘Bel!’ I shouted. ‘Bel! Can you hear me?’
It was a mistake.
At once, the pack’s attention turned to me. With alarming speed, they moved as one, clambering up the rocks towards me in a swarm.
‘Stay back!’ I warned. ‘I’ve got a terrible mermaid disease and if you touch me, you’ll turn into a crab.’
Unfortunately they were seven, not stupid.
‘Are they real shells?’ asked the first little girl to reach the top of the rock, immediately grabbing my boob.
‘How did they do the tail?’ bellowed the next as she wrapped her arms around my lower half and yanked hard.
‘Ow, you little bastards,’ I gasped when another appeared behind me and pulled on my hair.
‘It’s not a wig!’ she screeched right into my ear. ‘You owe me fifty bucks!’
‘The mermaids at Antoli’s party were way better,’ the first one sulked when I slapped her hand away from my bikini top for the tenth time in ten seconds. ‘You’re fat.’
‘We mermaids don’t judge people on the size of their bodies,’ I replied. ‘We judge them for having stupid names like Antoli.’
And that was when everything went horribly wrong. The rest of the children realized the rock above the pool was not big enough for ten of themanda mermaid, and so they made the only logical, sociopathic choice.
They pushed me off.
Even though it wasn’t far to fall, I fell hard, plummeting backwards into the deep, dark depths of the pool. If nothing else, it was quiet under the water. Dozens of pairs of legs fluttered above me with bruises on their shins and scabs on their knees, and even though I was quite sure I was about to drown, it was nice to see some things never changed, whether you grew up in South Yorkshire or Southern California. My hair fanned out around my face as I tried to kick my legs, but they were too tightly bound together inside my tail and without them, I couldn’t seem to push myself to the surface. Slowly sinking, I waited for my life to flash before my eyes, but for some reason all I could think about was whether or not I’d left my hair straighteners plugged in and that one episode ofFriendswhere Rachel and Monica only have one condom. Why would flatmates keep a shared box of condoms in the bathroom? Wouldn’t you each have your own box in your room? Why didn’t Ross or Richard have a condom in their wallet? And how could Ross even think about doing it when his dad’s best friend was planning to plough his little sister in the next room? Alas, I thought as I drifted down to the bottom of the pool and settled on the very bottom, it was destined to remain a mystery.
‘Move out of the way, give me some room!’
I heard voices before I saw shapes, the grass cool on my back and warm air on my skin.
‘Phoebe! Phoebe! Can you hear me?’
When I opened my stinging eyes, I saw Bel’s face rushing towards mine, preparing to administer mouth to mouth.
‘I’m breathing! I’m alive!’ I cried, coughing up a mouthful of water. ‘No need for any of that.’
‘Oh my gosh, you’re OK.’ She adjusted her trajectory by a couple of inches and planted a huge kiss on my forehead. ‘Wild that even when you’re about to die, you Brits are still total prudes.’
‘Are you all right?’ I asked. There were still stars in front of my eyes but I was out of the water, I was going to be OK. ‘I saw you go under.’
‘Only for a second,’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry, it’s never been like this before. I don’t know what happened.’
It was only when I managed to sit up, I realized we had an audience. Dozens of people, all staring at us, the adults with some dismay, the children with unblinking disappointment.
‘Spoiled monsters?’ I suggested.
