‘Good guess,’ Bel replied.
A small girl, in a neon-pink bikini and a crown that read ‘birthday princess’, came closer and I smiled as warmly as I could although it wasn’t terribly warm given that I’d almost just drowned.
‘She’s not a real mermaid,’ the girl proclaimed as she kicked me right in the arse. ‘This party sucks.’
‘Well, that’s rude,’ I said quietly through a very unmermaid-like grimace. ‘If you’re not careful, I’ll curse you.’
She stuffed a handful of blue candyfloss into her mouth and sneered. ‘Mermaids can’t curse people.’
‘But like you said I’m not a mermaid,’ I whispered. ‘And you’re right. I’m a witch. If you don’t behave, I’ll cast a spell to make sure no one ever watches any of your TikToks ever again. You’ll never make it as an influencer.’
The birthday girl screamed at the top of her lungs, tossing the rest of her candyfloss on the ground and hurling herself at a pair of distressed denim-clad legs.
‘What the hell is going on here?’
The distressed denim was attached to a tall man with suspiciously black hair, extremely taut cheeks and a forehead so deeply lined, it gave him the look of an angry Shar Pei. He loomed over us, apoplectic.
‘Which one of you threatened my Acorn?’ he demanded. ‘Who made Acorn cry?’
Acorn? I thought.
‘Acorn?’ I said.
‘One of you told Acorn you were going to curse her,’ he went on, his surgically stretched face turning very, very red. ‘And no one curses my daughter in my house except for me.’
‘Daughter?’ I flashed him a surprised and moderately impressed look. Despite his low riding jeans and flashy trainers, I definitely would have guessed grandad. He grunted with frustration and I took a moment to remind myself I didn’t need to speak every thought that crossed my mind.
‘Why do you keep repeating everything I say?’ the man exclaimed. ‘Are you an idiot? Are you mentally challenged?’
‘No, but we were almost drowned by your kids,’ I replied politely, still on the floor, still in a mermaid tail. ‘Then lovely little Acorn gave me a literal kick up the arse as a reward for not dying on your property, so that was nice.’
‘Mermaids are to be in the water when the children arrive,’ the man said, chopping the edge of his left hand against his right palm. ‘Mermaids are not to leave the water until the children leave. This was all in your contract. Did the agency not explain it in small enough words for you to understand?’
‘Excuse me, sir,’ Bel said, offering a winning smile. ‘We were in the water but the children got a little overexcited so I had to pull my friend out of the water and—’
‘Did I ask to hear your excuses?’ the man snapped. Even winning smiles were losers sometimes. He yanked off his rainbow-lensed sunglasses to reveal venomous green eyes, the colour really brought out by a bright red incision scar from his recent facelift that wasn’t quite healed. ‘No. I asked you to shut up, sit around and look pretty, and you couldn’t even manage that, which makes me think you couldn’t manage much of anything.’
‘You can’t talk to her like that,’ I said, sitting up as tall as my binding waistband would allow. ‘Didn’t you hear? We literally could have drowned.’
‘And I literally don’t care.’
It was clear to see where Acorn got her charm.
I twisted around and cocked my head back towards the pool house. ‘Come on, Bel,’ I said. ‘We’re leaving.’
‘Good, leave, get out of my house,’ the man screamed even though we had only managed to inch about a metreacross the lawn. ‘Pair of dumb bitches. Don’t think you’re getting paid.’
‘Oh, we’re getting paid.’
Bel swung herself around to face him, pointing to all the people, professional and otherwise, taking photos and videos of our showdown. ‘Because if you don’t pay us, we’ll sue. I think maybe you’re the one who didn’t read our contract which states that no one is permitted to touch the mermaids for the duration of the event.’
‘That’s bullshit,’ he said with a grunt. ‘Everyone knows—’
‘Also outdoor pools are to be heated to 88 degrees or the mermaid reserves the right to refuse to perform. A parking space is to be provided for each mermaid and mermaids will not tolerate abuse of any kind,’ she recited with glee. ‘The pool isn’t 88 degrees, we had to park on the street and you’re an asshole. There’s a whole bunch of witnesses holding evidence in their hands and even if you delete their camera rolls, everything on social media is archived for like, ever.’
The man blanched but said nothing.
Bel tipped her head to one side and batted her eyelashes. ‘So, will it be Venmo or cash?’
