I punch the couch with my fist over and over and over again until I suddenly can’t breathe.I go numb, frozen, and it feels like the blood is stuck in my veins and my skull is an empty, whooshing void.
My body’s in disbelief the same way my mind is.It’s a physical reaction to being unable to comprehend what’s happening to me.
I collapse in a heap and sob my guts out.
This reality sucks donkey dicks.
I fuckin’ hate this reality!
I have to distract myself.I need to put a little normal back into my life.I’m going to the stables.
Fuck everything, everyone, and all of it!
I check the clock while I get dressed.It’s a little after four, which means Declan won’t be up for a while, and I’ll have at least two and a half hours to work up a big sweat, steal food from Finn and Emma’s house, and get back here without Declan seeing me.
I slide on my barn boots and grab my coat.I separate the logs in the fireplace to kill the flames.My head is pounding.It’s probably not a good idea to be running around with a concussion, but I don’t give a shit.Everything below the neck needs hard work.
I fly out the door, stop in my tracks, and scream in surprise.
“Good morning.”
Victoria’s standing under the porch light in a pristine white snowsuit, the picture of elegance long before the sun has appeared.Emma appears next to her, a huge basket of goodies in her arms.Phoebe joins them.
They stand there like bar bouncers, not letting me pass.I sigh.
I’ve grown to love these women, and it occurs to me that at this very moment, they’re my MacLaine sisters.
I have sisters.Sisters who think it’s okay just to show up on my doorstep at four in the fucking morning.Sweet Cletus, I love these girls.
But it won’t last.None of it.Not the sisters.
Not my marriage to one of the MacLaines.
Not me.
I try to think of something to say, something cool, calm, and casual.Something that reassures them that I’m fine, absolutely, totally fine, and how much I appreciate their visit, but I don’t need it.I don’t want it.I don’t have time for it.
“Nice to see you but I was just heading out,” is what I manage.
I gave it my best shot, but the reaction I’m getting is pretty lackluster.So I open my mouth to try again.Nothing escapes.I just stare at these beautiful women, women I respect and admire, as a tidal wave of emotion swells inside me.
Phoebe reaches out to touch my hand and everything I’ve been holding in pours out in yet another round of big, blubbering sobs.
My knees buckle and I fall in front of the door, doubling over.I cover my face in my hands as my body convulses.I’m powerless to stop the tears.Powerless to stand up and reclaim even a sliver of my dignity.
My sisters drop to their knees next to me, each putting their arms around me until we’re huddling and crying on the wooden floor like the world’s saddest football team.
CHAPTER 47
Summer
“Would you like me to get Declan?”Emma asks, sniffling.
“No,” I sob.“I’ve let him go!”
“What does that even mean, ‘let him go’?”Victoria asks, crying.
“Hey, let’s get you up,” Phoebe says.“Come on, sweetie.Let’s go to the couch.”
