“I should go home. I have work tomorrow.” I looked up at him. “I know we’ll be okay. I’m just sorry that things are going to be tough.” Because they were.
“Can you think of it as a good thing? Life’s thrown a curve ball for both of us, but we’ll make sure we’re okay – all of us are okay.” He stepped away, and I didn’t think I’d ever felt as alone in my life. “I’ll drive you back home.”
We tried to talk about other things on the way home. Normal things. Work and Jude and Genny. I told him my theory about Genny and Guy, but he wasn’t having any of it, laughing when I said I wondered if there was something between them.
When we got to my place, he walked me to the door, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek before watching me go inside. My house felt empty; everything did now I was on my own.
I showered, made a mug of tea and got into bed, intending to read for half an hour to stop my brain from overthinking before I tried to go to sleep. I was half a page in when my phone vibrated with a message from Nate.
Wish I’d come in your home to make sure you were okay. Wish I’d given you a proper kiss goodnight too xx
My heart raced and my mouth felt dry. I didn’t debate what to send or the wisdom of it, I just typed back what I felt.
I wish you had too xx
CHAPTER13
Nate
TWELVE WEEKS
Besides Amber and I,there were still only three other people that knew she was pregnant: Jerrica, Genny and Neva. I suspected Jude had worked it out, because he hadn’t said anything to anyone about Amber having been ill, but I occasionally caught him looking over at me curiously, as if he wanted to ask me something but didn’t know if he should.
I’d now known about Amber being pregnant for just over four weeks; four weeks to get my head round the fact that I’d have another child in another six or so months, which both filled me with excitement and worry. I’d searched the internet for advice for men in my situation where they weren’t in a relationship with the woman they’d gotten pregnant and had other children to think about. I’d come across some stories that should’ve been on a daytime talk show, men who’d only found out about another child when that kid was six or seven, and they hoped their other kids – both older and younger than the surprise child – never found out.
A lot of the stories made me grateful for the situation I was in, as confusing as it was. I gave up reading them, realising there were families far more fucked up than mine was ever going to be, and instead started to talk to my therapist about how to explain to the girls that they were going to have a new sibling – so the therapist actually made it four people who knew.
Today was the twelve-week scan. Amber and I had talked about it in hushed murmurs at work, her worries coming out, probably more out of fear of what would happen after this, because this would confirm that we were going to be tied together for the rest of our lives.
“We didn’t have to go private.” She’d said this several times the last few days. “I would’ve been fine with going to the local hospital.”
I reversed into the space before answering. “I know. But coming here gives us privacy, and I’d rather no one spotted me and reported a ‘sighting’ on the internet, which meant my parents found out that way.” Because stranger things than that had happened.
I heard her sigh. “I know. I get it. I just feel like we’re making a big deal out of something that happens every day.”
“It does happen every day.” I turned off the engine. “But not for us.” I caught her hand in mine. “Stop worrying. We have nothing to worry about right now.”
“But what if something’s the matter?”
“Then we deal with it together.” I got out of the car and raced round to the passenger side, helping her out even though she didn’t need it – yet. “This is the first time we get to see our baby, just hold onto that thought and nothing else.”
She couldn’t hide her smile, which injected me with relief. Amber was so feisty and sharp when she was at work, but I knew that was just one facet to her personality. She was also anxious about some things and would overthink, and she took things – unless they came from footballers – to heart.
I felt Amber’s hand slip into mine, a gesture that surprised me, because even after her text message on Valentine’s Day, there had been nothing between us apart from practical conversations and a couple of hugs.
This was the event we’d been waiting for; the check that would give the go ahead to start making plans. My own heart was racing as we walked into the private hospital we were using that was known for its expertise and discretion, and a different one to where I’d been with Chan.
“We’re on the first floor.” I pointed to the sign. “Let’s take the lift.”
Amber nodded, her fingers digging into my hand. “This feels like something I’m going to remember for the rest of my life.”
“My hand’s definitely going to remember it.” I pulled her into my arms as the lift doors closed. “I’ll bring my goalkeeping gloves when you’re in labour.”
She wrapped her arms around me, her head resting against my chest, because she was wearing flats which meant she barely reached the top of my chest. “I don’t want to think about that bit yet. Getting this baby in there was fun; getting it out doesn’t sound as much.”
I laughed softly, because I’d been there when Libbie and Zara had been born, and I’d seen that it was called labour for a reason, but now wasn’t the time to talk about that or remind her of Chan.
Chan.
