He moved around the kitchen in the same way he moved around his goal; with purpose and the same grace as a big cat, prowling and observing. I perched on a stool at the kitchen island, trying not to worry about how Nate was going to compare my tiny kitchen with his huge designer one. I winced thinking about how our child was going to possibly grow up between two different homes. I had a decent salary and I was good with money, but I would never earn anything on Nate’s scale – which most people wouldn’t.
“Tea, no sugar, just a bit of milk. Is that right?” He’d poured water into two cups with the tea bags, taking the milk out of the fridge.
“That’s right. You remembered.” Because he’d made us tea to have in bed the second night in the hotel room.
His smile was shy but had a glimmer of cheekiness that made me smile back, a hint of the teenager he’d once been.
“I remember a lot about those nights. Here.” He passed me the cup, a plain white one, no writing on it and the same as his. “I get it’s weird you being here. I should’ve thought.”
“I didn’t think about it until I got here. You’re moving soon, aren’t you?”
He nodded. “A couple of weeks. The girls are excited. It’s bigger – which is ridiculous because this place is fucking huge – and they each get their own bedroom with a en-suite, which will probably be a life-saver for me when they're older.” His eyes dropped to my stomach. “Can I tell you what I think I want? Is that something you’re okay with hearing right now?”
I nodded, not sure if I was or not.
“I want to be as involved as you’ll let me. Appointments, scans, shopping for baby stuff. I have free time so I can be helpful. I’d like to be there at the birth, or just after the birth.” He wasn’t looking at me, staring at the surface of the kitchen island instead, anything that resembled that cheeky teenager having evaporated. “You don’t need to worry about finances. I’m not exactly short.”
“I would rather pay my own half.”
He nodded. “I know, but without spoiling my girls, I want them to have the best, and you don’t need to stretch yourself to paying half. Put what you would pay in a savings account or something.”
I nodded, the mixture of feelings I had overwhelming me in a wave of something I had no control of. “Let me get my head round that.”
“Course.” He turned away from me. “There’s one other thing, but I feel like such a shit saying it.”
“Just spit it out.”
“I have no right to say this.” I heard him swallow. “Please don’t start seeing another man until after.”
I tipped my chin up, my shoulders tightening. I understood why he was asking that; I would have our child growing inside me, another man sniffing round would be a threat.
But at the same time, the idea of him with another woman wasn’t filling me with joy.
“You broke a very long dry spell. I think I can go another year without seeing anyone, but the same goes for you. It would be more awkward than it is already if you started to see another woman.” I heard a shake in my voice and hated it. This side of me was now kept hidden, away from anyone else’s eyes.
He turned around and nodded straight away. “I can promise that.” He sat down at one of the stools. “The other stuff – money and being there. Think about it. But know that I’m not angry with you, or me.” He rubbed his face. “I feel guilty because I wanted more kids and Chan didn’t. I feel guilty for being happy about it, because I know this wasn’t in your plan either.”
“It wasn’t in my plan, but I’ve changed my plan, and that was my choice, Nate. You know, there will be times when I blame you for this when I’m pissed off or in labour, I guess, but I had a choice and I’ve made it. I’m good with that choice, too.” That was what I’d spent the time since finding out doing, being at peace with whichever decision I made. “But I understand the guilt you feel about Chan. You have to get over that.” I sipped the tea, it was too hot, but I wanted to go home. “The other stuff – the appointments and scans, I absolutely want you there. I don’t want to do those on my own or have Genny or Neva with me. The birth – let’s work that out nearer the time.” And what came after, because I had no idea how I’d feel then. I had no idea how I’d feel tomorrow – what I did know was that I felt better now Nate knew but, given that tomorrow I could totally change my mind about how I felt about chocolate, nothing could be guaranteed.
He nodded, quieter and more thoughtful than when I’d seen him before. I took the time to look around more, seeing his girls’ drawing pinned to the fridge, a Disney themed plastic cup on the kitchen island, and a small pair of shoes near my own feet.
My house would have those things in it too some day soon. I felt that wash of trepidation and fear, that realisation that I would have another person to look after besides me.
I looked up to see the pictures on the fridge and remembered that Nate had done all this before. “How was it being a dad for the first time?”
His smile softened the serious expression he’d worn. “Scary. Chan was terrified – every so often she’d have a meltdown about if she was going to be a good mum or whether she had everything she needed. “
“What made her feel better?”
He looked at me for a few seconds before he answered. “Because we were doing it together and the baby was going to have everything they needed. We’ll be just the same.”
“Will we? Because we’re not a couple like you and Chan were.” Something in my chest hurt a little.
He shook his head. “But we are doing this together. I know you have the hard part for now, and the first few months, but I will be there as much as you want. You know footballers have a shit ton of time on their hands.” He slid off the stool and walked round to me, his hands going to my shoulders.
It was the first touch I’d had from him since the couple of nights when this baby was conceived. My body reacted. My skin tingled where his hands were and I took a bigger breath than usual.
Without thinking about it, I lifted my hands and wrapped them round his waist, still sitting on the stool. My forehead pressed against his body, his scent so familiar, but so far out of reach.
