I’d thought a lot about her this morning, wondering what she’d make of this. I was trying not to, because it wouldn’t do any good, but part of me now hoped that Chan would be glad I was living again.
“It was fun making this baby.”
She nodded. “It was.”
I leaned my chin on the top of her head. “Let me know if you want to re-enact it.”
She moved away from me, looking as if I’d just suggested we hire a plane and emigrate to Switzerland.
“Wouldn’t that complicate things?”
“Can things get any more complicated?” I was surprised she hadn’t said no.
The lift door was opening, and I decided to park that conversation for another time, trying instead to navigate the corridors to find where the clinic was being held.
We were met at the reception by an almost smiling nurse, who took Amber’s details and led us straight into a room which was kitted out with the scanning equipment we were both kind of familiar with.
A doctor was already there, introducing herself then taking some details from Amber, who managed to sit on the bed, but still gripped my hand.
She went through all the health questions, double checking what information she already had. I tried not to listen– this was stuff I hadn’t been privy to, and I hadn’t thought about this on the way here, whether or not Amber wanted me to listen in or not.
“All sounds good. Let’s get this scan done and you can see your baby.”
The words from the doctor woke me out of the daze I’d slipped into. Amber let go of my hand and lowered the sweatpants she’d worn, lifting up her T-shirt to just below the bottom of her bra.
When I’d last seen her undressed, her stomach had been without the curve she had now, the curve that had been hidden under her clothing. She looked beautiful, even when she winced as the cold gel was layered onto her skin, the doctor talking her through what was going to happen.
Everything blurred when the screen started, the thump of a noise that sounded from the doppler making me reach for Amber’s hand and shift as close as I could to her on the bed.
“Strong and healthy.” The doctor’s words were joyful, happy, but that wasn’t where I focused when I caught sight of the screen. In black and white was the tiny bean that in a few months would be here for real in our lives, turning everything upside down. “And there’s your baby.” She talked through what was on the screen, going through the checks that were usually done at this stage and offering reassurance that everything was healthy.
I managed to get my eyes to leave the screen and look at Amber, who had tears running down her cheeks, her face giving away everything she was thinking. Fear, wonder, love.
I remembered it all from both my daughters, but felt it again now, the same feelings in many ways, just with a different set of shoulders to embrace them.
“I’m going to keep the scan on the screen, but what we’ve seen is saved. I'll give you a few minutes.” The doctor gave us both a big smile. “Everything looks great, and I’d say you’re due around October, and my guess is about the tenth. Autumn baby. See you in five.”
She left the room, leaving us alone.
Amber turned her head to look at me. “It’s happening.”
I nodded. “It is. How do you feel?” I wanted her to say excited, happy. I wanted to know that this wasn’t going to wreck her life because I’d used condoms that were three years out of date.
“Everything. I feel everything.” She sounded overwhelmed with the realisation. “I can’t explain it. What about you?”
My gaze went over to the screen again, the grainy image of the beginnings of a baby. “In awe. It’s just–” I bent down and kissed her, touching her lips with mine. “It’s scary and everything, and we have things to make decisions on now, but seeing our baby on screen and hearing their heartbeat – that’s going to make it worth it.”
“You’ve got the harder stuff than me to do. What will you tell your girls?” There was worry in her voice.
Her fingers had gripped onto the material of her sweater now, keeping me closer, which I couldn’t lie, I liked. “Let’s talk about it after. Why don’t you come over to mine and I can show you round? You’ve not seen it yet.”
I’d moved a couple of weeks ago, some of the team coming round to where I used to live and helping me pack up Chan’s stuff which had been kept in our old bedroom. It had helped; in my head I’d managed to move forward – a better way to put it than moved on – and going through her things would’ve kicked up all the shades of shit I’d felt about getting another woman pregnant.
Not that the team knew that then. Not even Ryan or Jesse, both of whom had kind of worked out that something was different.
“Where are the girls?”
“At school and nursery, then off to a party. Jez is taking them. I wouldn’t have them ambush you, if that’s what you’re worried about.” I could guess that was her worst nightmare right now, meeting my daughters and not knowing what to say or how to act.
