Toby ran after it, his run slightly uncoordinated, but once he had the ball, his skills were evident.
Dee’s smile today wasn’t there. In fact, when she looked up at me she looked sad, which was a first.
I stopped by the edge of the pitch and gave her a smile, hoping to elicit one back.
It came, but it was weak, half-hearted.
“What’s up?” I asked her as soon as she was within earshot. “Everything okay with Toby?”
Her smile widened and she shook her head. “Toby’s amazing. His mother is not.”
I knew about the difficulties Dee’d had with Toby’s mum up and leaving Dee with all the childcare. Dee had managed it amazingly, and what was more amazing was how happy Toby was.
“Problems with her again?”
Dee shook her head. “Yes and no. Just legal stuff that we’re wading through.” She looked at Toby who was doing his best at keepy-uppies, managing about three before starting again. “He’s just so worth it though. He’s been so much happier since everything was stable at home. I couldn’t ask for a better kid.”
I watched him with her, seeing his concentration, his diligence as he tried and tried again to get his technique just right, thrilled with himself when he managed six.
Dee beamed with pride.
“Do you ever wish it was just you and Rowan?”
She laughed. “Some days, but not often. When he’s still awake and asking questions at nine pm, and I have no idea how many eyes a spider has, or when I miss my alarm and know he’s going to be late for school and feel like the most terrible aunt ever, then I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I was child-free. Only, he’ll smile, and give me a hug and tell me how wonderful I am, and I don’t care that I’m haunted for life with looking at close-up photos of spiders on the internet.” She grinned again, giving him the thumbs up when he managed seven keepy-uppies.
“Do you think you’ll have your own kids one day?”
Dee looked at me and smiled, this time with a sweetness I knew was caused by Rowan Reeves. “Yeah, I think so. After I’ve stopped playing, I think it’ll happen. I know what to expect because Toby lived with me from the day he came home from hospital and my sister was not the greatest of parents from day one, but I think I’ll enjoy doing it again. Apart from the sleep deprivation.” She studied me briefly. “I remember you saying your sister had problems with her pregnancy. How is she now?”
She was actually doing okay. “She had bad post-natal depression. She found it hard.”
“But she has more than one, hasn’t she?”
I nodded. “She has. I was surprised as she struggled after the first.”
Dee smiled again. “If you’d have asked me about having Toby around, and whether I wanted to be his main parent when I was twenty, I’d have laughed and emigrated to Australia."
"You wouldn't change it?”
“I would change his mother from being a complete waste of space, but nothing about him. I mean, look at that.” He was back at the keepy-uppies, the style a decent copy of Rowan Reeves, who I knew Toby worshipped.
I imagined the baby in my belly older, beginning to walk, talk, kick a ball for the first time. Dee hadn’t had any choice in becoming Toby’s parent – or not a choice she could make. That small blend of cells growing within me didn’t seem like a choice for me anymore.
I’d never planned to have children. I’d always said I wanted to avoid the pain my sister had gone through and keep my freedom, but watching Toby made me feel something else – what could be.
I was in a privileged position, I knew, because I had a good income, and savings and a house. I would have support from my friends and my family, only they were a distance away. I had Nate, who despite all the issues this would cause with his daughters, would be a supportive parent. I had no doubt about that.
For the first time, I wanted to know what this baby inside me would be like, whether they would be good at football, or science – like I was. Whether they’d have a sweet tooth and like chocolate. Whether they’d be outgoing and confident or shy, like I was.
Toby looked up, grinning at Dee and then kicking the ball her way. When he ran straight towards her, knowing he was going to be picked up and hugged, I’d made my decision. I was going to have that, because if I didn’t, the regrets I’d carry would be too great.
CHAPTER11
Nate
MANCHESTER ATHLETIC V. CHELSEA, FEBRUARY 13
“Isn’tAmber taking the hot yoga classes anymore?” Jude looked up at me from his phone, frowning like he had the weight of the future of a small country on his shoulders.
