When I saw his face, I saw the mess I’d made with my fist, guilt sluicing through me. “Closure.”
Colm stood up and went to the window, looking out to the sea. “What the fuck’s closure.”
“I want to know what happened the night Ash killed Leila.”
“Fuck. Why’re going through this again?” Ash hit the table with his fist. It was years ago.”
“I want to know.”
“You need to move on.”
It was then I understood it. “I already have. I just didn’t understand how. But I want to know what happened that day.”
Ash looked up, pinning his eyes on me. “I was pissed. I wanted to speak to her…”
“What about?”
He shook his head. “You.”
I shook my head. “What about me?”
“How much time you were spending with her. We needed you here.”
I laughed. “You were jealous.”
Ash looked like he was about to say no, but then just looked at the table. “It felt like she was always telling you what to do. You’d changed…”
“I’d grown up.”
“I know. I was driving too fast and I didn’t see her. She was crossing the road back from the beach. She didn’t see me, Tommy. It was quick. I swear it was quick. She wouldn’t have felt anything.”
That had been the pathologist’s conclusion. Sudden and intense trauma to the head, caused by the severe impact of a car. A car we knew to be Ash’s.
A car I helped get rid of and clean up, wash away the blood of the woman I was in love with.
“And then you called me.”
Ash looked at the wall. “I have to live with it. I have to live with what I did every fucking day.”
“Which is your excuse for getting pissed and high all the fucking time.” Colm turned round. “You’re going home. I want you off the island. Go and sort your life out – go to rehab, join a fucking commune, do whatever the fuck it is that you need to do.”
“I had to live with what you did every day as well, Ash.” I didn’t bother to speak to Colm. “I want to tell you I forgive you, but I don’t want to and I can’t. I hope you find what you’re looking for, whatever that is. But don’t tell me when you’ve found it. We’re done.”
Ash banged the table. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, alright?”
“Then why did you take Jameson last night?”
Ash opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again.
“You didn’t think.” I folded my arms
“We knew she was at yours and I had to get the money. I didn’t… think.” He stood up. “We wouldn’t have hurt her.”
“You did though.”
“Yeah, well, she’s got money. She’ll get over it. Like we all will.” He stood up and headed to the door. “I guess I won’t see you around, Tommy. All the best.”
I didn’t reply, just waited for the door to close.
