“Not that I know of,” she admits. “Have a shower. It will make you feel better. I’m going to order pizza and find a whole lot of wine.”
“Okay.” Before Charlotte leaves, I grab on to her and pull her into my arms. “Thank you.”
I spent over an hour in the shower, and then another fixing my appearance. I blow-dried and curled my hair. Reapplied my makeup and put on a cute little yellow sundress. I stand by my theory. If you look good, you feel good. And I do feel better. Or at least I feel like my mask is back in place and I can face the world again.
Do I want to? No. But I need to. I can’t hide in the bathroom forever.
The moment I walk out of the bedroom, I wish I could turn back around and hide. The hushed voices of Louie and Emmanuel stop the moment they notice I’m standing in the doorway.
Emmanuel’s eyes run up and down the length of my body. Slowly. From my toes, up my legs. He takesa moment to look at my hands twisting in front of me before his eyes continue their perusal.
“I’m going to help Charlotte with setting the table. Pizza just turned up. Evie, you good?” Louie asks me.
I nod and give him a polite smile. Something tells me if I said no, he’d stay and wouldn’t leave me with the ruthless monster I can’t seem to find a way to truly hate like I know I should.
As soon as Louie’s gone, Emmanuel takes a step towards me. Instinctively, I take a step backwards. His eyes squint and his jaw ticks but he continues stalking forward as I continue to move in the opposite direction. Until he closes the bedroom door and I realize I’ve just locked myself in a room with him. That’s not good.
“I should go and help Charlotte,” I say.
“Why have you been crying?” E asks. He reaches out, grabs my chin, and tilts my face upwards.
“I haven’t.”
“Don’t lie to me, Evie,” he says.
“Why?” I shake out of his hold. “What are you going to do? Kill me like you did those two innocent teenagers?”
“I would never hurt you.”
“That’s not true and we both know it. If I gave you a reason, you wouldn’t even blink an eye beforekilling me,” I fire back at him. “You’d probably keep me in some unmarked grave like Laura. Visit me when you feel bad about your life choices.”
“You’re angry,” he states.
I laugh. “Now he’s a genius.”
“I didn’t kill those girls.”
“You might not have been the one to pull the trigger, but you were the one who gave the orders. It’s the same thing, Emmanuel,” I tell him.
“Those assholes don’t deserve to breathe,” he seethes. “I will not let them live their lives like they’ve done nothing.”
“Their families didn’t do anything to me, Emmanuel. The men? I can overlook them. Nothing I say is going to stop you from doing whatever it is you want to them. But teenagers, Emmanuel? Really? I thought maybe I could get over this whole cartel lifestyle thing. But I don’t know if I can. Actually, I can’t.” I shake my head. “I can’t live with knowing that I’m the reason innocent people are dead.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
The nightmare from last night still haunts me, especially when I hear Evie say she can’t live with people’s deaths on her hands. I look down at her wrists, perfectly intact, my thumbs stroking the smooth skin there.
“Nothing that I do or give orders to do is on you, Evie. That falls on me. You are clean. You will always be clean,” I tell her.
“It doesn’t work like that, E. The onlyreason you’re going after these men is because of me,” she says.
“It’s because I can’t live in a world where people who hurt you exist. Not because of you. That’s on me,” I assure her. “I need to know that you’re not going to do anything you can’t undo.”
“Like what?”
“I won’t have anyone take you away from me, Evie, not even you. So if you’re having thoughts like that, you need to tell me. I will find a way to help you.”
Evie steps back. “You think I’m suicidal. Why?”
