Benji made a dismissive noise. “You’re always saying you’re good at reading me! That youseeme or whatever.”
“I do,” Noah said, thinking of all the times Benji had tried to put up a wall and Noah had seen right through it. Just like he was doing now: holding his body so tightly, his eyes guarded and defiant. Ready for a fight.
“But I’m not a mind reader,” Noah continued, still reeling with every encounter they’d had, trying to figure out if Benji had wanted it or not. If he’d read him wrong, told himself what he wanted to hear. Anger reared up inside him as he remembered the countless times he had reassured Benji he was safe, that he could tell Noah anything, that Noah had him. How many times did he have to say it before Benji understood?
“You need to talk to me about this shit,” he said, louder than he wanted to. “I try to stay calm, I try to give you what you need. But fuck, you need toopen upfor once in your life.”
“I open up,” Benji said weakly. A flimsy smile flinched across his face. “Iopen upfor you all the?—”
Noah cut him off again. “Don’t! I’m serious. I needall of you, Benjamin. Not just the stuff I pry out of you while you stand there cringing like a kicked dog.”
Benji’s crooked smile vanished. For a moment, he looked shocked. Then his eyes went dull and flinty, the same way they were when Noah had walked in on him in that alleyway, shoving that asshole against the wall.
Regret flooded Noah like a tidal wave.
“Shit,” he whispered. He took a step forward. “I didn’t mean that.”
But Benji was already blurring into motion, moving out of reach as he ran for his jeans.
“Benjamin,” Noah tried.
“Nope!” Benji didn’t even look at him as he wrestled his jeans on. “Don’t apologize! I’ll just stop pissing on your carpet and fuck off.”
“Benjamin.” Noah reached for him again, trying to grab his chin.
Benji slapped his hands away with such force that Noah’s knuckles stung. Then he grabbed his shoes and stormed out of the bedroom.
Noah followed him into the hall. “Don’t leave when you’re like this,” he called. “You need?—”
Benji whipped around, all the dullness gone from his face. His dark eyes blazed with so much bitter anger it made Noah fall silent.
“Don’t,” Benji snapped, “tell me what Ifuckingneed.”
Then he charged out the front door, feet bare, shirt flapping open over his chest. He slammed it so hard that Noah winced.
For a while, he just stood there, cursing himself. Thinking about Benji hastily scrubbing away his tears and looking at Noah so desperately. Asking him to keep doing something that Benji hated. Noah should’ve started out softer, shouldn’t have pushed him. Not everyone was into impact play. Benji had never brought it up before; they should’vetalkedabout it.
He got out his phone. Did Benji need space, or did he need Noah? An hour ago, he would’ve known. Now he was second-guessing himself.You don’t have X-ray vision into my goddamn soul, his first girlfriend liked to tell him.
He knew that. Nobody could be right about people all the time. He just… thought he could trust his instincts when it came to Benji. And when they failed, he thought he could trust Benji to tell him where he was wrong. When Noah was being too much, yet again.
Apparently not.
Noah sighed. Then he opened his messages and started typing.
Tia showed up twenty minutes later in leg warmers and an oversized sweater.
“I skipped my chihuahua walking group for this,” she told him as she flopped down next to him on the couch, grabbing the wine he’d set out. “Better be good.”
Noah frowned. “Did you get a chihuahua?”
“No. I just like to watch.” She sat back with her wine and waved up at the TV, where two men were wrestling on the ground next to a sports car.“2 Fast, 2 Furious.Things must be really bad if you’re hitting up your comfiest comfort movie. What happened with Benji?”
She took a long sip of her wine. She wasn’t looking at him, which Noah appreciated. He’d been worried she would charge in all guns blazing if he called their first emergency movie night since his dad died.
“We had a fight,” Noah said.
She hummed into her wine. “Gonna explain or are you going to keep a lid on it like always?”
