River must have noticed my staring because his brows furrowed. He swallowed his candy and then smiled, showing off his blue and yellow braces that he had gotten last summer.
I had kissed no one before. River kissed a girl for the first time a week before this, and while I wanted to be happy for him, each time I thought about it made my stomach churn.
Why couldn’t I have been his first kiss? I felt that as his best friend, it made sense.
But he could still be my first kiss.
His grin faded, and my eyes fell to his plump lips. River’s tongue swiped along the bottom one, almost enticing me to do what my mind was begging me to.
That was a sign? Right? It was in the movies.
My heart was pounding in my chest, but I wanted to be brave. River made me feel brave.
Quickly, I pecked his lips. It was sudden, something I wanted to get over with in case he didn’t like it. I pulled back with wide eyes, bracing myself for his response.
River blinked. Then again. And again.
With no emotion on his face, eyes staring into mine, he blinked a fourth time. Then, he did the last thing I expected him to do.
River scrambled to sit up, and his bed creaked as he backed against his wall. His lip was curled in dismay, eyes wide with appall, and it took everything in me not to burst into tears.
“What the hell, Alex?” he all but shouted.
Backtrack, backtrack, backtrack.
“I’m sorry!” My hands waved frantically. “I… I don’t know what I was thinking, but it just seemed right to kiss you because I haven’t had my first kiss and you have, or—or I think it was like an impulse and… I don’t know,” I rambled incoherently. Anything to fix what I fucked up.
He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, an expression on his face that I could only label as disgust. “That was gross. I shouldn’t be your first kiss; a girl should.”
“Boys kissing guys is gross?” I whispered. While I wasn’t aware I liked boys, I knew I liked a boy.
“No, I–I didn’t say that,” he whispered, eyes focused anywhere but mine. “But, I don’t know… it’s weird.”
No longer was I sad. No, I was angry because nothing about your best friend was supposed to be disgusting. Nothing about River, not a single thing, was gross. However, he was repulsed not because I was a boy, but because of me.
I stormed out of River’s house, ignoring his mom’s concerned calls and his dog trying to get my love. I had blurred vision the entire way home because of the tears streaming down my face. When I made it back, my sister noticed, but I refused to tell her anything.
River and I made up a week after that. He had to corner me in class since I wouldn’t answer his texts. There, he told me the kiss merely threw him off, and reminded me he became a liar when nervous—he always had.
We agreed, for the sake of our friendship, no more kissing.
Three months after that, River and my friendship ended.
River
Are you okay?
I’m sorry for being a jerk and I shouldn’t have let you run off like that
Please respond Alex
A day later.
River
I really like being around you
I’m really sorry
