I slide down the brick wall behind me. I feel my already bloody, skinned knees split back open, but the sting of my split knees feel like nothing in comparison to the way it feels knowing he just walked away. My body goes numb as I go to war with myself. No matter what I try to say to convince myself I’m good enough for someone to love me, the past seems to repeat itself.
He just detonated a bomb. Shattering my whole life, and he walks away like it meant nothing. I curl around myself and try to hold together any part of me I can while I fall apart on this side walk. More memories of the last year flash through my mind and I don’t know if I’m going to survive them. I’m starting to think not knowing was a blessing.
I know I am spiraling out again. I squeeze my eyes shut and cover my ears, but it does nothing to quiet all the noise. You can’t block out the voices if they’re inside your head. Every doubt and fear is being chanted back at me. The worst part, it’s not just my voice saying them anymore. I can deal with my own voice telling me I’m worthless, but when his voice joins the chaos, I crumble further inside my own head.
It’s his voice telling me I’m too much. That he doesn’t need me. That all I do is fuck up his life. I remember the way it felt feeling my heart break in his office that night. He let me leave. If I thought I was broken before, I don’t know if I’ll survive losing him again. That wreck should’ve killed me. It would’ve been easier to deal with.
You know what– Fuck that! He doesn’t get to make me fallin love with him again and fucking leave! He doesn’t get to make me manic and avoid the fallout. He did this. All of this is his fucking fault. He’s the reason I left the first time and he’s the reason I’m drowning now. He doesn’t get to be a coward this time. If he wants to wreck me, then I’m going to destroy him too. If I lose myself to this, I’m taking him with me.
Chapter 22
Atlas
The walk home felt longer than it was. I should’ve driven home from the warehouse, maybe I could’ve avoided all of this. The further I walked away from her, the heavier the sinking feeling in my stomach got. I didn’t mean to tell her any of that, but I panicked and the moment I opened my mouth it all spewed out like word vomit. All this time keeping everything to myself and I crumble the moment she asks me about it. I wasn’t ready to face the consequences.
She closed her eyes and I ran. I didn’t want to look into them while I watched the love she had for me fade. I’d rather she had shot and killed me back at that warehouse than watch her leave again, so I left before she could. I knew there was no way she’d pick to stay with me after everything I just revealed to her. I don’t deserve her and she’s smart enough to know that.
I’m pacing my room, attempting to pack a bag but my thoughts are allover the place. I can’t stay here without her. It’ll also kill me to leave. None of the solutions I come up with seem to be good enough. My steps falter when there’s pounding at the door. Who’d be pounding like that on my door right now?
Whoever it is, I just hope it isn’t the cops.
Storming to the front door, I sling it open without checking the peep hole first. My temper was already boiling over at the fact that this person interrupted my downward spiral. I wanted to self-destruct in peace.
It definitely wasn’t the cops. No. On my door step stands my Darling Chaos in all of her glory. She’s freshly showered and dressed to destroy anyone who stands in her way. Her hair is still wet and hanging in waves down her back. She’s dressed in a plain black cropped shirt with a black and white plaid skater skirt. She paired the outfit with a pair of black high top converse.
The green of her eyes is so bright, they look like they’re on fire. I swear I can visibly see the chaos and anger currently swirling in them and even though it’s aimed at me, she’s breathtaking. Her emotions are palpable. The air between us is charged with them. My lips part as if I have any idea what to say to her, but she cuts me off.
“You don’t get to say that shit and fucking leave, Atlas! You destroyed my entire world and then walked away like it didn’t matter. Like I didn’t fucking matter!”
The pain in her voice hurts because I know I’m the person who put it there, but I’m not ready for this conversation. I’m not ready for her tohate me. “I can’t do this right now. Just…just take time to think about everything and we can talk about it another time.”
“I want to talk now, Atlas. I need answers.”
“You don’t know what you need right now. Just go.”
“Fuck that! I’m not going anywhere until we talk about this. You can’t… Why’d you tell me all of that and then just fucking leave?”
“I was scared! Are you happy now? I was scared!”
“You don’t get to push me away just because you’re scared. How about you grow a pair and stop being a damn coward.”
“What did you just call me?” She rolled her eyes before her smirk turned crazed. She looks at me like she’s about to dump gasoline on the entire situation.
“What? Your ears stop working? Pretty sure you heard me the first time, pretty boy. I called you a coward. Am I wro-” My lips crash against hers, cutting off whatever else she was about to say. As frustrating as it is to admit, she’s right. I’m a coward but there’s something I want before it’s too late. Her.
Emily
The words die in my throat, cut off by his lips on mine. It’s intoxicating. He’s not sweet or gentle. The kiss is destruction and devastation. It’s soul shattering yet not enough. I want answers to every question screaming in my head. Pulling back from him, I break the kiss.
“Why?”
He shakes his head from side to side as he pulls me closer to his body and shuts the door behind us. I was so focused on him, I completely forgot we were standing in his doorway.
“Can you just stop asking for answers right now?”
“No.” My answer is blunt but the fact that he’s still dodging my questions is starting to annoy me.
“You were just kidnapped. Stop being a damn brat for one second and let me enjoy the fact I have you in my arms before you leave again.”
