I remember EVERYTHING! I remember the fact I changed my name because I was running from my old life. The fake documents I hired some weird kid to make for me. The night we met at Elixirs flashes in my mind, that time he fucked me on the hood of his car. I remember the way he always looked at me. It was like he was the only one who saw the real me. I blink and my mind flashes to us arguing. The night I left replays in my head like I’m reliving it.
Along with the memories, comes the flood of emotions that accompany them. Tears are streaming down my face and I don’t think they’re stopping anytime soon. I’m breaking down bit by bit, unraveling further and further with each new memory unlocking.
I remember leaving the bar. I was so drunk I don’t even know how I got into the driver seat without falling. I blink again and the memory flashes to me tossing my phone out the window. Another blink, another memory, this time it’s drifting off the road into the small ditch. I relive the taxi ride and the voicemail I left Atlas from the taxi driver’s phone. The headlights as I looked up towards the noise. The sound of the wreck replays in my head. It’s too much. It’s all too fucking much.
Is it possible to drown inside your own head? It feels like a river of shit I didn’t remember and I’m trying to swim to the surface, but cinder blocks are chained to my feet weighing me down. The pressure keepsbuilding with nowhere to go, so I do the only thing I can to try to ease it– I SCREAM. I scream with everything I have, until my lungs burn with the need for air.
When the burn becomes too much, I finally give in and inhale. As soon as the air inflates my chest, my body gives up the fight. My knees buckle and the sting as they connect with the concrete hits me, but I’m too trapped inside my head to care.
“Spoon. Spoon. Spoon.” I mumble the word over and over again like it has the power to make everything stop. That’s what he said right? That I need to say my safe word if it’s ever too much?
I’m lost in the panic for what feels like forever but it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes when I feel arms wrap around me. He pries the gun from my hand and I hear the distinct sound of it clattering to the floor. That does the trick. I snap out of the panic attack as I begin pushing his arms away. I don’t want to be held right now, I don’t want to be coddled. I want fucking answers and Trevor is no longer alive to give them to me.
Shit that’s right, I killed someone. What’s going to happen now?
I was so wrapped up in my own head I completely forgot. I look at Trevor’s dead body but I still don’t feel guilty about it. Honestly, I think I killed him too quickly. He should’ve suffered more. The idea of actually getting a therapist sounded pretty nice right about now, but then I’d have to admit to my crimes, and I didn’t have time for that. Atlas lets go without much of a fight and follows my gaze to Trevor.
“We need to deal with him and get out of here before cops come looking.Let me make a call real fast, then we can try to get you cleaned up.”
I nod and look down to see I’m still covered in blood. Damn, I made such a mess. Atlas is trying to talk quietly but I can hear every word.
“Yeah Gavin, I got her. No. Look I can explain everything later but I need you to call Ramos. He has connections. Just tell him I need a clean up and send him my current location. Okay. How much time do I have? Got it. Call me if you see trouble.”
He ends the call and walks towards me. He looks stressed and I’m not sure if I blame him. Taking his hoodie off, he tosses it at me. I put it on without any argument and pulled the sleeves down to cover up my blood stained hands. This is the best we’ll be able to do in regards to cleaning me up. It’s not like there’s any water here to wash off and I know we’re probably almost out of time.
Atlas heads for the exit and I quietly follow after him. He seems to have a plan and I still want answers. We walk a few blocks before I break the silence.
“Why didn’t you just tell me the truth when we met? Why all the games?”
“We don’t have time for this. Look, I’ll tell you everything when we get to my house.”
“Tell me now, Atlas. No more secrets between us. Don’t you think we had enough of that? I want fucking answers and I’m not going anywhere until I get them.”
“Would you have believed me? If I told you the day we met, abouteverything that happened between us? You would’ve thought I was crazy. You didn’t remember me, I didn’t want to force anything on you. I didn’t deserve to get you back that way. After what I did, I needed to grovel. I couldn’t force you to love me again. You deserved so much better than that. If I’m being honest, you deserved so much better than me. Hell you still do. But… I figured if I could get you to love me again, without me telling you anything about our past, then I earned it. Loving me had to be your choice, and I would’ve respected your choice no matter what it was. If you would’ve told me to leave you alone or brushed me off, I would’ve respected that, no matter how much it wrecked me. I would’ve let you go if that was what you decided. If that’s what you still decide… You could’ve pulled the fucking trigger back there and shot me, and I wouldn’t have stopped you.”
“I almost pulled the trigger, Atlas! You could’ve died and it would’ve been my fault.”
“I would have let you.”
“You can’t just say shit like that, Atlas!”
“It’s the truth. If you decided that was the way I would leave this world, I would’ve died with a smile.”
“Th- that’s crazy. I don’t even know how to respond to that… Why are you even here? You don’t NEED Me! You said it yourself the day I left. So why even tell me the truth? Why come after me?”
“This is different, Maze.”
That name on his lips stings. It may have been a fake name, but to methat was the realest version of myself. While the name wasn’t real, the way I acted was. I didn’t hold back or try to be something I wasn’t.
“That’s not a good enough answer, Atlas.”
He looked like he was debating his next answer. When he looks at me, I see it. It’s a look only I seem to provoke. He’s battling for control of his thoughts, of this moment, and he’s losing.
As he steps forward, I step backwards until my back is against the wall. Both of his arms come up caging me in and he leans down so we are eye to eye, but he doesn’t stop there. He closes the distance between us pressing his forehead gently to mine leaving me no choice but to maintain eye contact with him. His breath brushes against my lips as he speaks, his voice so low I almost miss it even though we’re standing this close.
“Because I know what it feels like to lose you for good. I know how it feels to think you’re dead and that I’m the reason for it. I know what it feels like to have you own my soul when I wasn’t aware I still had one. For months, I replayed the argument in my fucking head over and over again, wishing I were man enough to stop you from leaving. I couldn’t escape you even in my sleep. I dreamed about every happy memory we had, just to wake back up to the nightmare I had to call reality. It took fucking losing you to realize you were it for me. You’re my fuckingyellowMaze. The only bright thing in my life. The only person worth losing control for. I’ll never let what happened before happen again because I know what my life is like without you, and it’s not worth living unless you’re in it.”
I closed my eyes to prepare myself to respond but when I opened myeyes again, he was gone. What in the actual fuck just happened? I spin around trying to find him but I don’t spot him anywhere. How can he say all of that and just walk off?
