When I met her, it was the first time in my entire life that I knew what emotions felt like. Happiness felt a lot better than feeling nothing. I felt warm and giddy around her.
Can you believe that… my black icy soul felt warm.
It no longer felt like I was living in shades of grey.
She gave my life color and meaning.
Those small glimpses of happiness she blessed me with will continue to haunt me because I was fucking stupid and took it for granted.
I thought I would have more of it– more time, more her.
I didn’t think I’d lose my yellow….I didn’t think I’d lose her.
I didn’t know what I thought I’d accomplish by brushing her off and letting her leave. But I do know one thing, if I could go back and rewrite our story, I already know what I’d change.
I wouldn’t have let her walk out the door that day. I’d have told her the truth. I would explain the reason for the tracker, and I’d spend every free second of my time soaking up the love she tried to give me.
Now that I’m without her, I wish I was lucky enough to feel numb. Being numb would be a fucking blessing right now. I thought this fight would blow over and she would be back later that day.
I couldn’t do this shit anymore.
I needed to tell someone before I drove myself crazy.
So I do the only logical thing I can think of.
I caved and called my mother.
Even though I didn’t want her judgement, she’d know what to do next. She’s the most level-headed person I know.
“Hey MaMa, I need some advice…”
“What happened, hun? Why do you sound sad, is everything okay?”
I spent the next thirty minutes going over the details. I tell her everything.
From how Maizyn and I met– everything in between– up to how I let her leave that day. My voice cracked as I explained the voicemail I received. My words scrape my throat on the way up as I tell my mother I couldn’t find her anywhere.
“Aw, sweetheart! I’m so sorry. I imagine you’re so heartbroken right now.”
Heartbreak is a funny thing… It’s strong enough to be a physical feeling. It felt like I was shot in the heart.
A bitter chuckle slips out. “Yeah, mom. Imagine finding out you have a heart the moment you feel it shatter into a million pieces. I don’t know if I can stay here much longer, everything reminds me of her.”
“You could always come stay with me, son. I still have your room made up just the way you left it. Have you talked to Gavin about it yet?”
“While I appreciate the offer, I’m going to decline. I have to do this on my own. I’m too old to run home to mommy just because I’m hurting. Also, no. You’re currently the only person who knows.”
“You know you have to tell him, sweetheart. If you’re going to leave town, you at least have to tell him why.”
“You’re right, mom, I’ll talk to him. I’ll let you go so I can have him swing by.”
“Okay sweetie, you know my offer still stands, if you need it.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
I end the call, then text Gavin.
Atlas
