Dr. Mortensen nodded. “That’s a valid concern, but you said before you’re not feeling the need to use these days.”
“I do feel it. It’s just not as strong as I expected.”
“Then, what makes you say that being intimate with Noah could be a substitute for it?”
I wouldn’t exactly call it beingintimate, but whatever,Kaj thought, chewing his lip as he searched for the right words. “I honestly don’t know. My mind is mush.”
“Okay, let me rephrase it. I’m sure you’ve had plenty of opportunities to engage in sexual relationships with other people during the last few months,” Dr. Mortensen stated. “Yet you said no. Why do you think that is?”
“What are you implying?”
“Nothing. I’m askingyou. What is different this time?”
“The person.” Kaj frowned at the speed with which he responded. “I don’t know why, though. I can’t stand being around him without getting angry. And then—well, there’s this time I… hurt him. We talked about it two weeks ago, more like we fought about it? Ugh, I don’t know.” Kaj scratched his nape. He’d never told her about the dubious consent of that night. Told no one, really. “Anyway, the thing is, he saw it completely differently from me. And the guilt I was carrying, it’s not there anymore. It’s weird. And now I don’t know how to act around him. I don’t know what it means that we keep coming back to each other time and time again.”
Dr. Mortensen mirrored Kaj as she leaned back in her chair, her expression thoughtful. “Being wary of intense emotions is normal, especially considering where you come from. But human connection can be incredibly powerful and healing. We’re social creatures. It’s natural for us to find comfort in others. The key for it to be healthy is balance.”
“Great, because I excel at both those things.” Kaj snorted bitterly.
“You just told me how you had a difficult conversation about a past incident with Noah, yet you haven’t mentioned anything about putting to use any of the harmful survival mechanisms you’ve developed over time.” Dr. Mortensen paused, allowing her words to sink in. “There will be setbacks and challenges as you continue this journey to heal yourself. The important thing is that you’re aware of your concerns and actively working on them. But you also need to celebrate your achievements. Everything you’re telling me today is nothing but a sign of growth. Be gentler with yourself, will you?”
Kaj’s fingers traced the edge of the desk. “But what if I’m just fooling myself? What if this is just another way of avoiding dealing with my issues? What if I hurt him or myself again and all this progress goes to shit?”
“What ifwe stop thinking about the hundreds of possibilities the future could hold and focus on the present?” She smiled at him. “Perhaps what you need to work on now is setting boundaries that feel safe and comfortable foryou.”
As they continued talking, Kaj felt a weight lifting from his shoulders. Having a plan, even a loose one, made the prospect of this old yet new relationship with Noah feel less daunting.
The roar of Chicago’s crowd still echoed in Kaj’s ears as Artificial Suicide walked down the stage. Sweat was coating his forehead, and his T-shirt clung to his body like a second skin. While their roadies were dismantling their equipment, the corridors filled with lots of people wandering around—the venue’s staff, reporters, groupies, and other crews.
The air smelled like dirt, dust, cheap cologne, and what the drummer could discern as a clogged toilet. You got used to the environment after being in the scene for so many years. So much so that nobody batted an eye or paid attention to a couple dry humping in a semi-hidden corner.
Backstage it was all noise and no privacy, which for once Kaj would have been grateful to evade. Watching a big-ass US producer drag Noah to the side to talk to him when they entered the dressing room turned the adrenaline of the performance into shimmering poison.
He did not own his bandmate. That Artificial Suicide was a family for Kaj didn’t mean it was the same for Noah. But knowing this and wanting to stand by it didn’t stop his stomach from dropping or his heart from beating with rage.
What did they need to talk about, anyway? They’d been engrossed in a conversation before the concert, too. It wasn’t like they were fixing all the world’s problems. From what Kaj could hear, they were just sharing impressions on the venue, the atmosphere in general, music, and life on the road.
What if this dude had offered Noah a better deal? Maybe a position in some other band but with higher profits? A solo career? It wasn’t strange for some vocalists to do that.
Kaj grounded his teeth.
Without percussion, there was no base, no foundation, no rhythm. Without guitars, the harmony, melody, and texture didn’t exist. Without the bass, everything else lacked depth and connection. The vocals only embodied the song, adding lyrics and occasionally an extra emotional dimension. Yet, even being the newcomer, Noah was the most talked about.Always the center of attention.
“Fucking legendary night,” Xander exclaimed as he walked out of the bathroom, where he’d been for half an hour. He always took forever when he was shitting. “The amount of videos already flooding the media is insane.”
Aksel nodded in agreement, his usually perfect hair now a mess of knots and frizz. “Love Chicago so much. I swear I could feel the stage shaking the entire time we were up there.”
With a sonorous sigh, Xander let himself fall on the couch, grinning like he always did after a concert. “Best show of the tour so far.”
“Best show?” Kaj snorted, twirling a drumstick between his fingers as he sprawled on an armchair. “I’d agree if our frontman hadn’t fucked up.” His eyes, sharp as flint, fixed on Noah when the promoter finally left and he walked toward them. “How could you forget those lines in the second verse of ‘Hell to Pay’?”
Noah rolled his eyes and entered the bathroom, leaving the door open. “It was one mistake in an almost two-hour set.”
“The fans pay—”
“The fans didn’t notice,” Noah cut him off while taking a leak, his tone cheerful. “And if they did, they didn’t care. Just like when you sped up the bridge like an amateur.”
“Speaking offans,” Kaj continued. “Mr. Producerlooked quite interested in you. What was all that about?”
