“How so?”
“I’m still having nightmares,” Kaj admitted.
“Anything in particular?”
“Not really. Most of the time, I don’t remember in the morning. Just wake up agitated.”
Dr. Mortensen merely nodded. “Are you taking the melatonin I prescribed you?”
“Hmm… No.”
Her eyes narrowed a little, as if she was reading exactly what was on his mind. “You won’t get addicted to this, you know?”
“No, yeah. I know.”Not really. “But I don’t wanna depend on meds to be able to sleep.”
“First, it’s notmeds. It’s a natural thing your own body produces. And second, we’ve already talked about what happens to our neuroreceptors when we don’t get enough sleep.”
“Yeah.”
“And that is…”
Kaj huffed. “Impaired cognitive function.”
“If you want to get better, you need to rest. It’s part of the process, along with everything else. Life on the road must be exhausting as it is. If we take sleep out of the equation, I don’t even want to imagine.” Her gaze softened. “Please, take it.”
“Okay.” Kaj’s mouth tugged into a lopsided smile.
“Now, tell me. How’s the tour going? How are you feeling?”
“Honestly, better than expected. Being busy all the time and the adrenaline from the shows helps me not think about anything else. It’s keeping the cravings at bay… Though—” he hesitated, a lump forming in his throat. “Something happened last night.”
Her expression remained neutral, but her eyes sparked with a mix of curiosity and concern.
Kaj took a deep breath. “I—uh… I had sex.”
“Okay?” Her tone came out like a question, as if she knew there was more to that story.
“With Noah,” Kaj added.
For a moment, she said nothing, and Kaj braced himself for impact. Dr. Mortensen hadnevershown disappointment or been judgmental, but people are opinionated. So, you never know.
However, all she asked was, “How do you feel about that?”
The question caught him off guard, but since last night he’d been dozing off between one orgasm and the next, Kaj hadn’t stopped to analyze how he felt or what it meant that they’d had sex and were planning to do it again, or what he wanted it to mean. Did he even want it to mean something?
While living in denial was avoiding the present reality, ignoring the underlying emotional reason for all of it—like the doc had hinted a few times—was easier. Reality hurt, and Kaj was tired of hurting. He just wanted to enjoyonething without feeling guilty or questioning every decision he made.
“I’m not sure,” Kaj said. “I felt good. Like, unnaturally good. It was a rush, but without the crash afterward. But it’s also confusing as fuck.”
After that one day, when he figuratively opened the emotional tap, Kaj had told her the story of his life. From losing both his parents to coming out, being raped and gaslighted, the self-harm, the attempted suicide, his inability to trust people, the constant alertness, and everything in between. So, she was perfectly aware of the history between them.
“I know I’m supposed to avoid having sex,” Kaj started when she didn’t say anything. “But—”
“Kaj,” she interrupted, “recovery isn’t about following a strict set of rules. It’s about learning to navigate your emotions and make healthy choices. Celibacy is a suggestion in cases like yours because it helps you to stay focused only on yourself. But it’s just that, a suggestion.” Dr. Mortensen paused. “What is it that really worries you?”
Kaj leaned back in the chair and averted his eyes. What worried him?
“I guess…” he started. “I’m worried that this is just another way of numbing myself. That I’m using Noah as a substitute for drugs.”
